As I reflect on everything, I keep going back to "What could I have done differently?" I have a laundry list about 150 miles long. I am difficult. I am NOT easy to live with. I ask for too much. I am too rigid. I am broken...just to name a few.
It's so easy to get caught up in the BAD things and to forget that there were ever GOOD things. We hyperfocus on what went wrong instead of what went right. Guilty. Yup...get the gallows - it's time for my execution.
I was recently scolded for taking on the self blame for my marriage. I was harshly reminded of the events that led up to the end of my marriage. I am fully aware of those events. But there were others too that contributed. Events I did. I caused. Yes, a majority was in response to what I was handed so callously, but I know deep down, I could have handled it much differently. I just remember how hurt, how shattered, how broken I felt and how there was no remorse shown or apologies given. Just the expectation to "get over it".
But still. I can't let go. Even with all the evidence I have, receipts, letters, checks, post it notes etc, the heart wants what it wants. And that's where I am conflicted. I thought I was trying to work on our marriage. Scouring the internet for help articles to get us back on track. I was the one who arranged the HORRIBLE couples counseling we ended up with. I was the one who bought books and talked to counselors trying to figure out how to fix things. I took on the challenge to fix my marriage. But as it takes two to destroy a marriage it also takes two to fix it...and I guess I was the only one interested in fixing it. And that is probably what shattered me the most. I wasn't able to bring him back to me. He was gone.
But I fought like crazy. Operative word being CRAZY! I was so driven by my hurt, my anger, my frustration at his stonewalling and refusal to deal with ANY of what he had done was a red flag I wasn't prepared to wave. So I waved the self righteous hurt spouse flag.
Since the divorce was filed, I have done a lot of introspection. I have gone to counseling, I have attended support meetings, I have gone back to church. I found myself again. I had become this ugly, horrible, short tempered person who was stuck in survival mode for so long she forgot how to be anything but caustic in an effort to protect what was already so injured. I am not saying that in an effort to gain sympathy. But it is a sad, sorrowful truth that I became a scorned wife with a husband who refused to be sorry.
So I go back and reread that first line I wrote. Yeah. I lost the love of my life. I lost my everything. I am devastated beyond belief because we were supposed to be forever. We were supposed to be that old couple who yells at the kids on Halloween to stay off the lawn. We were supposed to be together until our bodies were too old, too tired to stay in this earthly form. But that didn't happen. My heart was rudely stomped on. My soul was crushed as he repeatedly found someone else who "got" him. And I became someone I never thought I would. I begged for basic affection. I begged for his attention. I jumped up and down and threw things just to be seen and SCREAMED at the top of my lungs to be heard. I pounded on his chest to be acknowledged. But all he did was pretend I wasn't there, I didn't exist. Yet, I did all this because he was my person. I didn't think I could ever survive without him. And maybe I can't. I know I am not eager to find love again. I cannot even entertain the idea of starting over with another man and it's exhausting to me to think of having to learn all the ins and outs of someone while trying to learn to trust again. So I consider facing the rest of my life alone.
And so now I am alone without the constant undercurrent of his disappointment in me, disgust of me and wanting to be anywhere else but here with me. I am alone and recovering from someone who made it their life's mission to make me feel unworthy, broken and insane. I was ignored, and dismissed. My hurt and feelings didn't matter to him because he felt I deserved everything and needed to pay for discovering who he truly was. When I didn't cower, and return to the sad little puppy dog who would be happy with ANY attention he gave me, I became the enemy. Someone to plot against. To scheme against. To deceive in unimaginable ways. To destroy. Yes, I am alone. I probably will be for the rest of my life because now I have severe trust issues and to put that on someone else is incredibly unfair. In some ways he succeeded in destroying me because he destroyed my ability to love unconditionally. Unless there is someone out there that is so incredibly amazing who would fall in love with someone like me, I don't think I will ever have another partner. He has taken away that ability in me and that makes me sad.
I lost the love of my life. Not him. It never was him. It was my innocent love that comes with optimism and faith that you will receive what you give. Mutual respect, patience, and understanding. He gave me none of those things. He stole everything from me that trusts and understands and respects. I am not the same person. I can't be that person again. But I can grow out of these ashes and face life knowing that I have been deceived more times than I care to admit. My undying trust and love was taken advantage of in the cruelest of ways and without any remorse. This is what I get for believing in my vows and for trying to fix a problem that wasn't mine to fix. This is deprogramming the mantra that I am not worth a heart attack and am too broken to be loved. This is survival of an abuse of innocent trust and love. This is what happens when you marry a child, not a man. This is what happens when you fall in love with a narcissist.
Narcissists walk away, unscathed, justified in their own minds and with no guilt or repentance. They are totally okay with what they have done and the destruction and devastation they have caused because they feel they had the RIGHT to destroy another. To be so evil and to hurt with such ferocity is a narcissist's right. They are full of arrogance and self righteousness. They stand tall and they tell their tale making themselves the victim so as to gain sympathy and to reel in another supply. They spin their tales with masterful eloquence and they are PROUD of what they have done. It fuels their ego that they are capable of such horrendous treatment of another. They walk through fire without being burnt. They stand in their own mind as the hero...the knight in shining armor. They are vindicated...They are hell on earth.
So for those of us left behind, we sit in the rubble of our lives as they skip away, smiling and rejoicing the fact that they are FREE! They leave us to wonder what the actual FUCK happened? What did I do? How did I get here? Where did my PERSON go? We try to apply logic to the situation and become confused and unconsolable because we can't make any sense out of it. Crucified and judged beyond any measure, called unsafe and crazy and horrible wives, lovers, and mothers. We are painted as human garbage and we wonder how we ever got along before the narcissist came into our lives. How are we worthy of even taking a breath?
That's when the narcissist is happiest. They look at us, a pool of human cells quivering and crying because we can't understand the why's. They take pleasure in knowing that we are still hurting, still pining and we are incapable of any happiness. Narcissists are Dementors from Harry Potter. They suck all the happiness out of you until you are catatonic or dead.
But then...something happens. A spark, a light, a hope emerges and we start to rehumanize. After the narcissist leaves, we start to feel regrowth and we are able to take breaths again freely without the fear of having our lungs singed. We start to understand that the people we were when we were with them were in survival mode. We became what we needed to be to self protect, to self preserve and to try to hold on to what our core being is. We are NOT THOSE PEOPLE!!!
We do what the narcissist doesn't. We look inward. We try to find ways to heal and to learn. We try to find ways to fix ourselves so we don't fall into those same traps again. We look to forgive and to heal ourselves for what we have done. We try to let go so we can find happiness again. We start looking for rainbows instead of lightning. We look for flowers instead of weeds. We hope. We pray. We laugh.
WE EMERGE.
We are butterflies. We took that goo that the narcissist turned us into and we grow wings...beautiful wings that show all our scars and cracks like stained glass windows and we emerge. As we stretch those wings, they grow stronger and they are beautiful.
...and soon, we find the strength to flap those wings and lift up and ride the breeze looking for the flowers and finding happiness in the sunshine of our lives.
We find happiness and love and laughter and ourselves in our new being, our new presence, in our new purpose.
We emerge.
We are stronger.
We are beautiful.
We will fly.
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