Never Ever Ever....Getting Back Together!

The hardest thing to ever do is let go of a dream.  When that dream walked, talked, laughed and cried, it's even harder. 

For the last 5 years since his affair, I have been fighting for a dream that wanted to leave, but didn't.  A dream that had decided that I was no longer their dream.  A dream that unceremoniously and without my permission, came to a heartbreaking end.

Since then, I have grappled with my identity, my worth and my confidence.  For five years, he treated me like I didn't matter, I wasn't worth fighting for and that I wasn't good enough.  Someone else replaced me and I had my worst nightmare replace my dream.  

I feel like Jennifer Anniston's character in Bruce Almighty, praying for relief from the hurt and the anguish.  Relief from wanting him and loving him and needing him to come home.  I pray for God to please heal my heart.  Help me let him go. Help me to move on and find myself again.  I pray every night for God to find his heart and to help him realize what he has done to our family. But mostly, I pray for strength to live in a world where he is no longer in my life. 

Letting go is so hard.  Coming to terms that I have a new chapter to begin by myself is even harder. 

Having such amazing friends who remind me in these times, that what I thought I had wasn't real.  Remind me of the betrayals, the emotional and mental abuse, the lying, cheating and deceit that broke us. They remind me of who I was and who I can be again. I have family who call me to talk and to remind me how much I am loved and missed.  I have a daughter who is there to talk me off the ledge and when I start to question what happened, tells me what DID happen.  She was there.  She shows me the truth. 

But in the dark of night, when I am at my loneliest, I am flooded by the memories of the good times, the love, the laughter.  How safe I felt when he put his arms around me.  How he was the first person I wanted to tell things to and the one person I wanted to be with.  And that's when my heart breaks a little more.  No matter how I build myself up during the day, occupy myself with activities, friends, events and church, the night time is the hardest. 

Again, I say a prayer and ask for continued strength to heal.  A prayer to let go of what was and what will never be.  I ask for help to stop loving him. I ask for continued guidance to show me the right things to do and to help me help our daughter who is also struggling with her own emotional trauma from all of this. She too lost her family.   I pray for forgiveness for my errors and shortfalls and I pray for the ability to overcome those and be a better person. 

There is a lot to overcome.  

I recently read about trauma bonding and realized how in the last years of my marriage this became a HUGE issue in me.  I was looking for any kind of attention, good or bad.  I was looking for a way to trust him again and to feel that connection again.  He withheld basic needs to the point I was literally begging for him to just hug me. To break free of this, I journal, I try to step outside my own feelings and look at things with a new perspective.  I try to do self-care as much as possible, removing myself from situations that affect me negatively or limiting myself during situations where I am overwhelmed.  

The biggest step was going no contact with my husband.  An action that was so foreign to me that it took everything I had to block him in my phone, email, social media (Facebook, IG and X) .  I was cutting those ties to him so that I could heal.  Up to the point that I went no contact any time I saw him, talked to him, texted him, I would fall further and further into the hole that I was trying to climb out of. It was so painful to see him, to hear his voice in a message or worse yet, to have him treat me like the enemy.  He was the one who decided this, but somehow, he blames me for everything. Having him treat me like I am public enemy #1 was more than I could bear. 

Now that I don't have that, I can work on me.  I can work on regaining the person I was.  Lately, people have commented that they are seeing the spark come back.  My smile is reaching my eyes again.  But for all this progress, there are backslides. Days and sometimes a whole week where I just can't get past anything.  Where I feel defeated, low, and worthless. 

My sister by choice, Cherie told me to ride the feelings like waves, but don't let them carry me out to sea. So during these times, I give in to the tears, the pain and work through it. I journal it and I set it aside because life goes on. 

But at the end of the day, when I am alone, I realize.  We are never, ever, ever....getting back together.

Don't You Know That You're Toxic

Toxic. I read this list and was like...CHECK....CHECK...CHECK...and soon I had checked every one. Narcissists often come from narcissist parents, enablers. They stick together like a coven and only blood family has any say. The rest are flying monkeys. The ones who do the bidding of the narcissist. 

In my husband's family, they were the only important and worthy beings. The matriarch and her three boys were the core. She controlled them, she manipulated them. It was creepy and almost incestual how they interacted. There was competition between the boys to be her favorite. Their wives had to be agreeable, moldable and obey. OBEY! My monster in law was Danish. She felt she was superior to any other nationality because she was Danish. She traveled to Denmark, she spoke Danish and she was end all be all Danish. I am only a quarter Danish but had a Danish last name. My father's family were shipbuilders, I think, but I know my last name was not discussed. My mom is full blooded Italian, but according to my MIL, not a GOOD Italian. Sicilian was dirty. They were creaters of the mafia and my mom's family wasn't notable (even if Al Capone attended my grandparents' wedding). My traditions, my beliefs had to be stripped and I had to adopt hers and her family's because they were superior. Living like this, is difficult with narcs. You're never enough. You're never worthy. You're always a second or third class citizen. Your family doesn't matter. You are judged and convicted and you WILL conform or be shunned. I became anxious whenever I had to deal with her or the family. I never felt like I was accepted or fit in. If I spoke up, I was difficult or too demanding. I was UNSAFE. 

The hardest part has been breaking away from this family. They are scarier than the mafia because they are more nefarious. The fact that my daughter wants nothing to do with any of them has set them on an all out vendetta. They are trying to destroy me so they can pull her back in the ranks. She will be punished of course for her wayward actions, but, she will be brought back at all costs. They must WIN and because she sided with me, they will do everything and anything to WIN! Turn her against me and prove that I am the crazy train she hitched her caboose to. The manipulation they stoops to, the coaching, the drama and they way they spread lies is incredible. Think of the most whacked out Lifetime movie and you have this family. 

Toxicity. It's more than just radioactive sludge. It's a way of life. It erodes a sane person's confidence and it makes you feel like you have lost your ever loving mind. Long term exposure causes loss of self esteem, memory function and severe anxiety and frustration forms. Communication is lost and you find yourself wondering why you suddenly have issues with people and relationships fall away. You lose long term friends and family outside the coven is forbidden. Violation of their rules results in severe punishment resulting in a neurosis that causes an inability to make a rational decision without constant over thinking. Digestive problems and sleep issues develop and the tiniest little thing results in overreactions.

This family never takes responsibility for anything they do or say. They use silent treatments as a form of punishment when confronted with their bad behavior. They stick up for each other, even if they are wrong. They band together to out a person and to punish in unison. They create stories together to support each other. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe they sacrifice their enemies during the full moon. 

Leaving a narcissist and his enabling family is almost more than most of us can bear. It requires a coven of our own. Family, friend, a good attorney to fight for you, fight for your kids. It takes a person who has been through it to see it. It's a lonely fight. A tumultuous fight. A fight that sometimes you feel like you might lose. But don't give up. Don't give in. Don't let them win. Stay true to yourself. Go no contact. Block all forms of communication from them. They can and will send their monkeys to spy, lock everything down. The less of you that you allow them to access, the less they have to control. Zip up that Hazmat suit of privacy and go out into the world. I'm over here in mine. I'll wave as you walk by.

They Say It's Your Birthday!

It was weird waking up today and not having to hold my breath wondering how he was going to downplay and/or ruin my day.  What nonemotional, generic, obligatory card, gift or last minute because-he-had-to plans would play out.  While it was lonely,  it doesn't compare to the loneliness I felt when with him.

You're Not Half the Man You Think You Are...

Let's talk about how we "get over" a narcissist that you were married to but didn't leave.  They left you.

Getting out of a marriage, relationship, situationship with a narcissist is not for the faint of heart.  I really believe this is why so many of us end up staying way longer than we should have or we end up being the ones that are left behind when the narc suddenly decides they are done and move on to the next supply.  We all know the consequences, the devastation, the debilitating feeling of mental breakdown and demoralized psyche.  We are left hollow, confused, broken and crazy.  All those things the narc said we were, came true. 

Being in love with a narc is like being addicted to a drug.  They love bomb and hoover between periods of dismissal and distance.  Just about the time you start feeling like you're losing them, they come back with a handful of breadcrumbs, sucking you back in making you feel like you're the queen of their castle and nothing could be better. Then you're thrown back into the deep waters, drowning in your own tears and they are nowhere to be found to help you.  This treatment over and over erodes at your self worth, your self image and your feeling of sanity.  Cycle after cycle causes you to become more and more dependant on them, the crumbs that they toss you and their need of you.  Soon you become frustrated and you probably start acting out in ways that aren't your normal character. You probably yell and scream and lash out and become the crazy person that the narc wants you to be. You lose control, throw things, slam doors, scream and beg and cry and hit and fight them. They enjoy this.  They get off on watching you crumble and become a shell of your former self.  Their ego craves the destruction of your soul and they live to watch your light flicker out. This is what feeds them and makes them feel superior.  And they won't stop until you're either dead, or so broken that you can no longer function as a human being. 

They take everything from you and replace it with their scraps. Starve you of the most basic human needs;  love, affection, respect, joy and confidence.   They make it so you rely completely on them for validation and assurance. 

It truly is a drug.  And the best way to heal from this is to go Cold Turkey, No Contact.  

No contact is truly the best course of action.  Seeing them, having any sort of contact with them will set you back to zero.  They know this and will use it to their advantage. They will try to charm you and will try to guilt you.  After all, they're just trying to be nice. 

No, there is no being nice with a narcissist.  They have no soul so they don't feel guilt or shame or anything resembling remorse.  They are arrogant and entitled and they will use you to boost their self image. They will do anything to trigger you so they can play victim. 

No contact means no texts, no calls, no visits, no emails no social media with them.  You have to block and cut off every avenue of contact.  You have to lock up that part of your heart that goes soft when they are near.  You have to become as indifferent to them as they were to you. You have to break the cycle.  You have to get clean.  You have to heal. 

Once you get away, the narc will most likely be like a pusher, trying everything they can to get you back in so they can hoover you back in line. But you have to remain strong.  Get yourself a posse who will run interference.  If you are divorcing, let your attorney do all the communication.  Find people who can speak for you in urgent situations.  Do NOT communicate yourself. DO NOT respond to anything the narc sends you.  FOR YOUR PROTECTION, you must never directly communicate with them again. 

If you are co-parenting, have someone at your side at all times when and if you have to communicate regarding children.  This means during child exchange, school communications, activities.  NEVER face or talk to the narc alone. They are less likely to sully their image in front of a witness. ALWAYS have witnesses.  

Narcs are dangerous drug dealers who don't like it when their supply heals.  When we heal, we realize we are nothing that they said we were.  Our "crazy" goes away because they are not there to trigger it.  Our mental state returns to normal. We become confident again and we see all their games clearly.  Except now we know what to look for.  We know what to expect.  As time goes on, we will eventually be able to fact the narc and look them square in the eye and lift our chin in defiance.  Because we KNOW.  We know everything.  We know exactly who they are, the games they play and all the BS they inflicted upon you and your family.  

Narc survivors are strong people.  Don't mess with us. We don't trust easily.  We spot BS quickly and we will walk away if we feel played. 

We are strong enough to survive this.  We were always strong enough.  It's why the narc was attracted to us to begin with.  We always had the strength, but we were brainwashed into thinking something was wrong with us.  We wanted too much, we were too critical, we were ungrateful and we were intrusive. When we gain our freedom from the narc, when we are no longer controlled by them, when we are no longer dependant upon their breadcrumbs to validate us, we are unstoppable.  We are a force to be reckoned with.  

Heal your heart.  Heal your soul.  It can be done.  You are stronger than you know. And like an alcoholic who attends a meeting to overcome their addictions, you too need to say this with me. Hold my hand..

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

But You're Still Alive!

Who remembers the betrayed women's anthem from Alanis Morissette?  The one whenever it played, guys within earshot cringed?

These lyrics, screamed and hissed more than sung, have been the theme song for nearly every divorced woman who was betrayed for decades. Myself included.  It's a great song to scream along with in the car, in the shower and while doing any sort of housework. It's even good when tenderizing meat. Whack that mallet pretending the steak is his head, or worse...

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died?  Til you died?  But you're still alive!

Oh, he's still alive alright.  Breaking every promise he ever made me, day in and day out.  But there are times I really wish I was a widow. This way I wouldn't have to worry about running into him at the store, or at places we used to go.  I wouldn't have to wonder who he's with or what he's doing. I wouldn't have to lock down my FB or IG or other social media because he stalks me (or at the very least his family or girlfriends are stalking me)  I could remember the happy times fondly rather than with suspicion that I was being hoovered or love bombed.  I wouldn't have to cringe every time I get an email regarding the divorce and our daughter could to go to work without fear of ever seeing him.  But I am not a widow.  I am a betrayed wife of a narcissist who thinks he did no wrong and HE is the true victim.  He is totally justified to have cheated, lied, financially abused and mentally abused me.  We both made mistakes, but he refuses to accept any accountability for his.  

I wish I was a widow.  Then I wouldn't have to be worried that he is doing to someone else what he did to me.

I wish I was a widow.  Then I wouldn't have to watch him torture our daughter.

I wish I was a widow.  Then I wouldn't have to play the game anymore.

I wish I was a widow.  Because then there wouldn't be so much evil lurking around every corner and I could finally breathe freely again.

I just wish he kept his promises....until he died.  But he's still alive.