I love this Kinks song lately. I caught myself humming it yesterday as I prepared my Thanksgiving meal. I had a girlfriend over who also is going through what I went through. We have always led parallel lives, down to our daughters having the same birthday (just a year apart). She asked me about how things were going and what was it like now that the divorce was final. I told her that while it may be final, there was the issue of dividing his 401k which he has been purposely dragging his feet on. I told her how I think I found a work around and I am just waiting on that. She then told me about her issues and the fact that her STBX is also dragging his feet on providing information to the court and how he hasn't been very forthcoming in his disclosure. After she left and all the dishes done, I laid in bed and realized I hadn't posted in a while. I thought about that and realized I was tired of posting about my anger and my feelings of betrayal. Typing out all the things that he did to me just didn't serve as a good medicinal solution to my broken heart.
I shared my story hoping others would find comfort. Maybe they would find inspiration in my trials and it would make someone feel less alone. But then it became all about whining, serious whining, if I'm going to be truthful with myself. He did THIS and he did THAT...oy vey.
However, so much of it came from my trying to understand WHY he did this. WHY he was being so cruel through the divorce process and it came down to one thing. He didn't get what he wanted. He wanted me to slink off without a fight. Without demands. Just a quickie divorce. And he didn't get that. in fact, he got the opposite as the judge repeated ruled in my favor. Once I realized that and I accepted that, a lot of the worry and frustration went away. It was as if I finally got closure.
So, what am I doing now to heal? I am looking FORWARD not back. I am prepping for Christmas and even if I wind up alone, it doesn't' matter because I DESERVE to have holidays and lights and good food. My friends and I have plans and I am looking forward to forging my new normal. Every day is a gift and every day is a chance to find me again.
This Thanksgiving I have an abundance of things to be grateful for, but more than anything, this year taught me what it really means to be thankful. While my world imploded and crumbled around me, I found reasons to be thankful every day. Friends who came to my side to support me through this hellacious year. To lift my faith, my spirit and my self worth as I struggled to find my way. So much loss in so short a time was difficult to navigate through. Losing Elsa, my home, my marriage and my identity. I met challenges every day, sometimes every minute of every day, but look where I am! I have a new home, a new life, filled with amazing friends and family. I have a good job and an amazing daughter. And yes, right now, I don't have a furnace, but I have a condo that stays pretty warm and keeps warm with a space heater. So I'm ok.
I have learned that things don't have to be perfect to be ok. That I can find joy in the smallest of things. I can find reasons to smile in the darkest of moments and all I have to do is say, "I need help" and a hand touches my shoulder.
This Thanksgiving I am not only grateful, but I am blessed by all of you, by God and by all the lessons I am learning every day. My identity isn't being a wife. I did that and it dissolved in an instant. My identity is who I am, and I am a survivor. I am a DOER and I am strong in the storm, even if I don't feel like I am. I have dark days that drown me, but I have learned to tread those days and not let them carry me to sea. I have people who love me and will help me if only I ask. I have people who love me in spite of me. And I have a daughter who can brighten my day just by saying, I love you, Mom.
Today, I feel joy at all I have accomplished, of all I will accomplish and someday, maybe these walls will come down and I can trust again. Day by day, I move further away from what tried to destroy me. Day by day I can do hard things. Day by day I laugh a little more, smile a little more and find myself a little more.
To anyone who is going through this, know there is light. There is another side and you will find it.
To anyone who went through this, I encourage you to share your stories. Because your story might be someone else's inspiration.
To anyone who is alone this holiday season, you DESERVE joy. You deserve a holiday....make it YOURS!
To those who are with family, enjoy, love and forget the fights. Life is short, and one day there will be a few less at your table.
Happy Holidays, my friends. Thank you for all you have done to keep me here, keep me sane and for just reaching out to let me know, I am not alone.
I love you and am so very grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment