But more than anything else, I'm sorry for myself...cuz you're not here with me.

This Christmas was difficult.  The day weighed heavy on me as I spent most of it alone with an injured dog and while friends and family sent gifts and treats to brighten my holiday, I was missing my daughter terribly.  

Add to that feeling the sense of loss and displacement I was feeling.  I felt out of character as I am usually the hostess or the planner.  My holidays have been spent prepping, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, baking, decorating to make the holiday fun and festive. It was just expected of me to host ALL holidays and no one seemed to want to take it on.  I wondered this year with his family, who that fell to and I assume it was probably his one brother and his wife who is now the new favorite.  

I had Christmas day plans but I really struggled with getting the motivation to ge into the shower and to get dressed.  I struggled getting mascara on while tears ran down my cheeks. 

And I don't know why I feel this way.  I should be happier than I am.  I am rid of his petulance and pouting because at the end, he didn't want to be with us, he wanted to be with DEBRA.  He would lay in bed Christmas morning after I got up and was making breakfast, and he would text her.  We would have to call him down to get him to participate and then he would just sit there, watching TV while we opened gifts.  He was so emotionally detached, it wasn't funny.  

But this year, he is living his best life, as if to prove that he was SO miserable with me.  That I was SO horrible.  He was SOOOO abused.  He's doing everything with her that I begged for.  He's doing his best love-bombing and she thinks she won the lotto.  Just like I did.  But I have loved him since I was 16 years old.  I thought a dream came true when he finally took notice of me.  I thought I had it all, forever.  But it was all fake. It was all a lie.  I was his scapegoat for decades because I would forgive him anything.  I believed his lies. I believed his excuses and I gave him slack for his bad behavior.  I also begged for love, for attention and for basic human needs.  I became invisible and I spiraled out of control because I didn't know what I had done wrong to fall out of favor.  I was blamed for everything.  I was too critical, I was too demanding, I was too controlling, I was too sensitive and too emotional.  I was TOO MUCH.  

Now I am angry.  I am angry at myself for staying after I got the email from his co-worker about his affair with a woman when my daughter was 4 years old.  I am angry at myself for believing his lies when I had proof right in front of me.  I am angry at sticking by him when our house was nearly sold for back taxes FOUR TIMES and he lied to me about everything.  I am angry at myself for seeing the red flags but not knowing what to do about them and for believing I was asking too much for transparency and honesty. 

And it all hit me hard Christmas Day.