To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you...

Lets talk about the evolution of a narcissist...mainly, my narcissist

See, I have known mine since I was a teenager.  We were best friends, always together to the point people thought we were dating.  But we never did. Adulthood put some distance between us, but we would ebb and flow and when we came back together, it was like we'd never been apart and we picked right back up where we left off.   His brothers, mom and my friends all knew what he didn't...until he did.  I knew all along. I have been in love with him since I pretty much met him. He always had and will have my heart.  Even now. What's that line?  "But that is the thing about love.  Even if it can't be returned, it never goes away."  *sigh*

Since the discard, since the divorce, I have beat myself up over and over and over again. HOW did I miss the signs?  HOW did I not know?  HOW could I have been so blind?  Why did I not see the red flags?  Yes, I knew he was extremely competitive. Yes, he had a temper, but he fought to control it.  Yes, he was always worried about what others did, had, or said and obsessively policed them. Yes, he could be arrogant.  Yes, sometimes, rules applied to others, but not to him.  But no one is without fault.  I saw the red flags...I just didn't have the life experience, to recognize them.

See, to me, he seemed like a genuinely good guy. He was always concerned for me (at least that is how it felt) he was around me more than any other friend in that time and he was like any other teenaged/young adult in the 80s.  I should have paid more attention. Like when I actually placed in the top 10 female foil fencers for state and he didn't get past his first match and pouted and abandoned me because of jealousy.  When our coach wanted to give me private lessons, he had to come with.  I thought it was for support and encouragement, but it was because HE wanted the lessons. The road rage.  The constant teasing that hurt, but "it was just a joke!"  I really should have paid more attention. But...instead we got married.  Had a daughter. But then there were other signs...HUGE signs...and...I ignored them.  So many signs, signs I should have seen.  Red flags of his selfishness and disregard for me and my family. 

But then 20 years into our marriage it all came to an ugly head.

Well...I think midlife hit him hard. He was stuck in a dead end job, had been covering up his misdeeds and lies to me, he'd been at the VERY least flirting with affair partners and having emotional affairs - several of them both online and at work.  He'd been financially abusing our marriage to the point we almost lost the house several times (most unknown to me) and then...he was diagnosed with diabetes. Even my daughter pin points the change in him to that discovery.  How Mr. Invincible was no longer perfect.  He had a flaw.  A very real flaw that meant he had to change things. He got very upset that he had to change his eating habits. He could no longer freely wolf down the sweets, cookies and eat anything he wanted.  He had to watch his carbs.  I stopped buying temptations, but would still get stuff for the kids and hide it.  Our daughter learned to hide her halloween bucket because her father would routinely raid it.  Same with Easter or Christmas or birthday. He would sneak the contraband but yell at me for making a pasta dish.  He would get upset with me if I dared to bring home jelly beans for me.  He was being cheated and had an "Its not fair!" attitude.  Why wasn't I diabetic?  He took care of himself (according to him) and I did nothing (according to him).

So he lashed out. He set out to prove his virility with other women. He got into porn heavily and he locked up his phone.  He would spend so much time in the bathroom on Tumblr and other websites or texting another woman that I threatened to call a doctor.  He would get mad at me if I dared to confront him on any of his behavior. 

It went sideways rather quickly when I had hard proof of his infidelity and his mishandling of the household accounts. It was really bad when she showed up at our daughter's tournament and I confronted him about it.  After that, the mask came off and I saw just who he was.  A vindictive, spiteful narcissist who now had an axe to grind with me.  Why?  Because I knew him.  I knew all his flaws and his arrogant view of himself, but stupidly still loved him anyway.  I mean it wasn't all bad.  We had many amazing years...well, at least I thought we did.  Now I look back and I really don't know anymore.  So many lies and so much deception has me questioning everything.

And yet, here I am, baffled. How had he fooled me for so long?  How had I not seen what he was?  Truth was, I ignored a lot of it.  I accepted him for who he was and I forgave him too easily. I did this until I became a doormat.  Looking back, my entire history with him was a little puppy dog who followed him around waiting to be noticed, waiting for a scratch or pet or a crumb. I literally blossomed when ever he was nice to me, and when he finally decided I was his SOUL MATE, I went, gleefully.  But honestly, I question if he ever loved me.  He pretended to love me, but he doesn't know what love is, so his version, which he will fight me on, is he loved me. But when I tell my story to others.  When I told my therapist, she looked at me sadly and said, "Narcissists are incapable of love."

And I was devastated to learn that everything I gave him, everything I did was all one-sided. Anything that happened in our marriage was because I did it. And if he did do something (love bombing) I could pin point it to an affair or financial issue that he was trying to distract me from or it had an ulterior motive, string attached for a purpose. He went from attentive to distant, warm to cold, affectionate to mean. He accused me of being a moving target (keep in mind this was right after the death of my mother) and yet, his needs were so lofty that there was NO way I could ever live up to them - but you know...he's a down to earth guy who doesn't need or want much.  Toward the end, he helped others more than he helped us.  He was disinterested, distant and when I would mention this, he would tell me I was being too sensitive. He would get hostile when I would have hard proof of his deceit, and manipulative, when I wasn't so sure of all the facts. When I discovered his affair he spent 3 hours telling me all the reasons that it was my fault. Later, he would tell me he loved me, after being with her. 

Five years after discovery #1 and #2, divorce finally happened.  He secretly filed and planned the bomb after our daughter went back to school so I would be alone and isolated.  But my attorney, the one I consulted after the affair discover (and he didn't know about), sent me a letter asking if I still wanted her for representation. His plan was foiled and he punished me for it.  During the divorce process he was whiney and petty.  He got mad at me for state mandated division of assets, then pitched a fit for things that were denied to him because he couldn't claim them, like our daughter's luggage, Christmas ornaments and things that hadn't existed for a long time.  Then he took to stealing things and sneaking them out of the house when we weren't home. When our daughter bought me a camera for my room because she was going back to school and didn't trust him not to abuse me further, he flipped out because he couldn't be deceptive anymore with the contents of the house.  He went so far as to take coffee cups from the kitchen cabinet and then face the shelf to disguise his sneakiness.

Since the divorce I have been plagued by guilt and feelings of worthlessness. Therapy has been useful, but couldn't erase my role in our marriage.  I couldn't come to terms with being so blind to what was happening and how I just took the blame for his lies and feelings. I remember one time I caught him in a bold faced lie and had the evidence in my hand.  He accused me of "trapping" him.  He even stole my computer, a gift for my birthday because our other one died and now he suddenly claimed it as his.  It's been a full year since we separated (it took a court order to make him leave) and 6 months since the divorce was final and I am still wrestling with everything. I know I was not innocent.  Not everything was his fault.  But I also know I fought like hell. I never gave up on us and I sure as hell didn't deceive him the way he deceived me. I did my best to support him, be a good wife and mother and as he spent less and less time at home to the point that our daughter maybe saw him for a few hours on the weekend, I picked up the slack. It was hard, I complained about him never being home.  We didn't have any time for us.  And he didn't care.  He had a completely different life.  I remember telling him he wanted to be single with the benefits of marriage.  He came and went with little regard to me or our daughter.  He missed school events, tournaments, outings, dates...but he was a good dad, right?

Once he was done with me, there was no question on what was happening.  I never felt so alone as when I was in his presence.  His total disdain for me was so obvious even my friends were starting to pick up on it. Those final months before he secretly filed for divorce were the worst I ever experienced. I cried like I had never cried before. My worst nightmare was coming true. The abandonment I felt was more than I could bear.  My daughter sat front row for all of this and she was just so mad at her father and their relationship also was destroyed.  She lost her trust in him, her faith.  When he called the police on her because she was trying to protect me, she was done. 

The destruction he has caused because of his arrogance and selfishness is unfathomable. He will never accept accountability, often citing he didn't have to be accountable to me, and made me feel bad for asking for his transparency post affair.  The way he was able to flip things around on me to make me feel crazy or overbearing or even out of line was masterful and if it didn't hurt so much I might even admire how little he took on himself.  Of course, self deprecation to others was his biggest masterpiece of victimization, but to me, he was God.

To this day, I have nightmares where I am losing control and yelling at him about how he is so selfish.  Even in my dreams I am off the rails and I don't know how to get rid of that poison in me, or if I ever will. 

Him?  He's moved on. He doesn't look back.  His last bit of control over me was the IRA division and he refused to participate.  So I took matters into my own hands, called his investment company and asked what they needed to do a distribution. Didn't need him and now he tells people I stole from him.  He is stuck in limbo because his AP is going through her own divorce.  I wonder how he feels about that.  But maybe she gives him all the ego fluffing he needs.  With me, especially after the divorce was filed, I didn't take his bullying anymore. He went from wanting to be "friends" and wanting to do dinner, and go to movies, to total arrogance and abusive behavior.  When I filed the order of protection to get him out of the house, he finally took off his wedding ring.  When I mentioned it, he turned it on me, saying there was nothing left in him to wear it.  Really?  YOU filing divorce wasn't enough?

He never accepted accountability, in fact he told me he wasn't accountable to me.

As he realized I knew all about his dirty secrets, he became more and more aggressive and mentally abusive.  He never hit me, but he left bruises.  He never hit me, but he would corner me and spit in my face. He never hit me, but he used the silent treatment as punishment.  He never hit me, but he would treat me as if I didn't exist. 

His last aggressive behavior toward me was the day our divorce was final. My attorney told me not to come to court. She was my proxy.  He was so mad that I didn't show up, that he came to my work place and harassed my co-workers until someone tracked me down (I was at lunch).  He did this because he had two checks dated in July (this was September) that he suddenly had to have cashed. I showed up with my supervisor in tow as a witness and handled him as I would any other customer.  My co-workers also treated him cooly and sent a very clear message that he was not welcome. His attempt to intimidate and bully me, failed.

Narcissists are bullies. They are devoid of any pure emotion.  Everything is calculated and self-promoting. They only care about their image, their facade, their self created place in society. They don't care about anyone, only what can be done FOR them. 

Narcissists are evil, horrible and manipulative beyond imagination.

Narcissists are loyal only to themselves and the self-serving plans to improve their perceived status and self image.

So with all that being said, why?  Why do I miss him?  Why do I still love him?

Trauma bonding f's you up.  Royally. 

And this pain inside of me goes on and on... Even now

I am to blame for allowing you to hurt me.  I only wanted to see the good in you, the promise of you...the YOU you showed me when I was your next supply.  I loved you since I was a teen. I idealized you based upon the person you showed me.  Yes, I saw glimpses of the REAL you, but I ignored them because everyone has flaws.  I was flawed too.  But when you said you would never hurt me the way others had, I believed you.  When you said that you were slow to realize that I was truly the one, I believed you.  When you said you and I were forever, I believed you.

But I was never *the one*.  I was a means to get back at your first wife.  I was the image you wanted to present.  I gave you a child that you needed to brag about and make your possession because your first born wasn't enough for you.  

The lies. The manipulation.  The deceit. I freeze in fear over everything you did. How quickly I went from your soulmate to public enemy #1.  And here I was literally fighting for us.  Because I never gave up on us.

I gave you too many chances.  

I should have left you when you abandoned me days after our daughter was born via cesarean without help, without regard to my healing so you could brag and boast at a funeral for someone you didn't even care about.

I should have left you when you bold faced lied to me about your son's 8th grade graduation.  

I should have left you when you abandoned me and made me feel selfish when my mother went into hospice and died,  days later.

I should have left you when I got the email from your coworker about you having an affair with a woman in your office.

I should have left you when the sheriff showed up with an eviction notice that the house had been sold for taxes you said you paid.

I should have left you when I found your porn. 

I should have left you when I found out about her.

I should have left you when I found your secret phone.

I should have left you a thousand other times you lied, manipulated, emotionally abused and turned it on me.

But I didn't. I once told you I could forgive you almost anything.  And I meant it.  And you pushed that statement over and over.  How much could you get away with?

I let you do this because I loved you more than I loved myself.  I did this because I believed in my vows.  I did this because I thought if I supported you no matter what, it would get better.

But it didn't.  And in all of that, I lost myself, my identity, my self worth. I lost my Goddamned mind. 

Even now, I shoulder the blame.  I taught you that it was OK to do this to me and now that I won't let you anymore, you treat me as if I were the villain because I hold you accountable.  I no longer allow you to put the blame on me.  

So now you are with the woman your mother pushed you to.  You are with HER.  And she is everything to you.  She is your soulmate.  She is KTD.  She is me, 22 years ago, thinking she won the brass ring.  You think you are all that and are better off. Go ahead.  Posture.  Be big man with money to throw around. Your facade is paper thin.

The truth is right here.  I'm still here.  

Your daughter has the truth of your behavior and she is a reminder of your lies.  You can't change her mind and that makes you hate me more.

You hate me because I am the truth that you can't shake.

What you project onto me...feelings that I am going to exact revenge of some sort, or destroy your life or ruin your relationship...its confusing to me because I wouldn't do that to you.  That's what YOU would do to me.  And I struggle with that because you were supposed to have loved me.  What you did, I can't understand because ... well, I guess because I did love you.  I still do.  And even after all you have done, I still see the good that you showed me and I can't believe it was fake.  But it was.  It was a means to an end. I was a means to an end.  And now you are done with me.

It all so hard to understand the why.  

The only thing I understand is the how.  Because I let you.

I Can Buy Myself Flowers.

I saw him today. In traffic.  I guess he decided to avoid the huge accident that shut down 2 of the 3 lanes on the highway he takes to work and wound up on the back streets that happen to be my daily route.

He didn't see me at first.   He was in the right lane about a half a car ahead of me and we were stopped at a light.  He chewed his nails and played with his chin hairs which he usually does when he is zoning out.  Some things never change.  

The light turned green and traffic started moving and the traffic flow ended up pushing me to his lane...directly in front of him.  At the next light he finally realized I was there.  This is when he started driving like an 80 year old granny with a sprinkle of rain dampening the road.  He backed off to about 5 miles under the speed limit to the point several cars separated us.  I ended up making it through a light that he got stopped at and I laughed.  This was so out of character for him.  Normally he is Mario Andretti racing me to prove he is the more superior driver.  Today, he was driving Miss Daisy.

As I watched his beige Honda CR-V grow smaller in my rear view mirror,  I smiled.   From my radio the words "I can love me better than....YOU CAN!" blared from my speakers. 

Eyes forward, dear.  It's time to stop looking back.  

Every brick, every board, every slamming door, blown away

I was stuck in a therapy rut. Going through session after session and feeling like I was just not making progress. That is, until one session, purely because I was tired of talking about my ex, I mentioned what was going on with my father. I lamented about how much I resented it because he was never there for me growing up, and if he was, there were always strings attached and how he abused me and my mother.  It was the first time I had opened up like that. It shocked me how it all came pouring out of me in hot angry words and then the tears. 

It was then I realized all that was going on with me. My incessant need to make holidays magical and wonderful to the point I didn't enjoy them because I worked so hard making them.  How I looked to my husband for validation and if I didn't get it I was a failure.  How I was hyper-independent and giving all of my time and talents until I could go no more. How all of that fed into the covert narcissism that was my husband. He knew exactly how to manipulate me by withholding affection, praise, love or attention. He knew what to do to break me. And because he grew up with me, had seen how my father controlled me and knew my weaknesses.  

Every journey has a turning point. An AH-HA moment.  That was mine. I had married someone who had been given all the playing cards.  

That was when I knew it was time to heal that little girl who just wanted to feel like she mattered and loved for who she was, not who he wanted her to be (a son). And to be valued for who she is not who he thought she should be (submissive wife). And to need validation from these men who never saw the person she was, who never cherished her or supported her. 

Since then, I have been working on me.  Calming that inner child who worries that someone wont like her because of her journey.  Now I talk to her.  Tell her because of her journey, she is able to be a mom to an amazing daughter and support her and love her.  She is able to be a friend, God Mother, dog mom and neighbor who is much more patient and kind.  

A friend of mine told me I needed to look for the Glimmers....the moments of brightness and joy and stuff them in a jar for those dark nights.  Nights when it seems like I won't make it through. Nights where I take on WAY too much blame and do not lay the responsibility where it belongs. 

For too long I blamed myself.  I was too caustic after finding out about the affair. Why was I caustic?  Because he expected me to just get over it.  He didn't do any work. He didn't believe he HAD to because I had told him once I could forgive him anything.  I was the girl who just adored him. But he took advantage of that love, that trust and my unwavering belief in him. He abused my loyalty and he abused my trust. He just did what made him feel better about who he was.  I still struggle to this day with my actions, my reactive abuse and my staying far too long in a relationship that didn't deserve me.  I ruminate over this and study and over analyze what happened, what I did and why.  But the truth, the one my therapist keeps beating me with, is that there was nothing I could have done except just accept what he gave me and even at that, it probably wouldn't have been enough.  He'd decided to be selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic and emotionally immature. I fought for my marriage literally and figuratively for way longer than he deserved. But when he filed the way he did, with deception and secretiveness to put me in a position where I would be alone after our daughter went back to school thus turning it into a he said/she said, and I found out....I was done.  Once he betrayed me yet again after telling me he loved me and wanted US, I was done.  And he didn't like it.  It was almost as if he was trying to bluff me into submission and I didn't submit...I put up walls between us.  

No!  I didn't want to go to dinner with him after finding out about the divorce.  No!  I don't want to have meals together, watch TV together or pretend that nothing is wrong!  I locked myself in my room.  I put fences around my heart with razor wire on top.  He would never have access to me again. He would never be able to touch that part of me again that loved him.  I closed myself off and put myself into business mode. It was the only way I could cope with the fact that this man who promised me the world and loyalty and a life together forever, had lied to me in the most awful ways.  Betrayed me without remorse and hated me with every fiber of his body. 

The end was bitter.  The end was heartbreaking. 

I cried like my soul left my body.  I ached as if I had been kicked in the gut.  

I was no longer a person who would love unconditionally or trust blindly.  He took all that away from me. 

And I don't know how I can forgive him for that.