I am to blame for allowing you to hurt me. I only wanted to see the good in you, the promise of you...the YOU you showed me when I was your next supply. I loved you since I was a teen. I idealized you based upon the person you showed me. Yes, I saw glimpses of the REAL you, but I ignored them because everyone has flaws. I was flawed too. But when you said you would never hurt me the way others had, I believed you. When you said that you were slow to realize that I was truly the one, I believed you. When you said you and I were forever, I believed you.
But I was never *the one*. I was a means to get back at your first wife. I was the image you wanted to present. I gave you a child that you needed to brag about and make your possession because your first born wasn't enough for you.
The lies. The manipulation. The deceit. I freeze in fear over everything you did. How quickly I went from your soulmate to public enemy #1. And here I was literally fighting for us. Because I never gave up on us.
I gave you too many chances.
I should have left you when you abandoned me days after our daughter was born via cesarean without help, without regard to my healing so you could brag and boast at a funeral for someone you didn't even care about.
I should have left you when you bold faced lied to me about your son's 8th grade graduation.
I should have left you when you abandoned me and made me feel selfish when my mother went into hospice and died, days later.
I should have left you when I got the email from your coworker about you having an affair with a woman in your office.
I should have left you when the sheriff showed up with an eviction notice that the house had been sold for taxes you said you paid.
I should have left you when I found your porn.
I should have left you when I found out about her.
I should have left you when I found your secret phone.
I should have left you a thousand other times you lied, manipulated, emotionally abused and turned it on me.
But I didn't. I once told you I could forgive you almost anything. And I meant it. And you pushed that statement over and over. How much could you get away with?
I let you do this because I loved you more than I loved myself. I did this because I believed in my vows. I did this because I thought if I supported you no matter what, it would get better.
But it didn't. And in all of that, I lost myself, my identity, my self worth. I lost my Goddamned mind.
Even now, I shoulder the blame. I taught you that it was OK to do this to me and now that I won't let you anymore, you treat me as if I were the villain because I hold you accountable. I no longer allow you to put the blame on me.
So now you are with the woman your mother pushed you to. You are with HER. And she is everything to you. She is your soulmate. She is KTD. She is me, 22 years ago, thinking she won the brass ring. You think you are all that and are better off. Go ahead. Posture. Be big man with money to throw around. Your facade is paper thin.
The truth is right here. I'm still here.
Your daughter has the truth of your behavior and she is a reminder of your lies. You can't change her mind and that makes you hate me more.
You hate me because I am the truth that you can't shake.
What you project onto me...feelings that I am going to exact revenge of some sort, or destroy your life or ruin your relationship...its confusing to me because I wouldn't do that to you. That's what YOU would do to me. And I struggle with that because you were supposed to have loved me. What you did, I can't understand because ... well, I guess because I did love you. I still do. And even after all you have done, I still see the good that you showed me and I can't believe it was fake. But it was. It was a means to an end. I was a means to an end. And now you are done with me.
It all so hard to understand the why.
The only thing I understand is the how. Because I let you.
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