Lonely rivers cry...Wait for me, wait for me

So many years I cried myself to sleep trying to figure out what happened. Why wasn't I his best friend anymore? Why didn't he love me? Why did he betray me? He never came back to me after discovering the affair with Debra. We were suddenly strangers. He flipped the switch and I was no longer good enough. I was left wondering if I ever was.

It was then I knew it was over, but yet I still tried. I STILL fought.  I thought I could fix it.  I thought I could make it right,  make him see what he did to our family.  But in his mind, reinforced by his enablers, I was a horrible wife, a terrible mother.  I wasn't GOOD for him anymore.  But what he refused to understand was that all his deceit, betrayals (several),  and lies took its toll.  He never wanted to talk about it.  He didn't want to change.  You can't change if you don't acknowledge your faults.  A marriage can't be fixed if only one person is doing all the work. 

He gave up on us.  He went looking for others to fill his insatiable sexual appetite.  He blamed me continuously for his issues.  He would rather seek the arms of another woman than talk to me.  And maybe that is my fault. Maybe it is all me.  

So now I seek the wisdom to fix my faults from a therapist who specializes in narcissistic trauma.   She helps me recognize my issues and how to differentiate the trauma response from my own faults. 

I have support groups that I not only talk through stuff in, but I help too.

I am finding my joys again.  Joys I let go of rather than deal with his disapproving or judgemental silence.

I still cry myself to sleep at night, but he's taught me how to self sooth by ignoring me.  He taught me how to live without him.  He taught me how to find my own self worth and my own boundaries.  

For years, his dissonance taught me how to find my own happiness and his "confusion" about us taught me how to let go.

All those years where he had Debra to boost his ego and give him the supply he needed, he taught me to learn to be self reliant and find my independence again.

I don't know if I will ever love again.  I don't know if I will ever be healed in time before I die to trust another.   But I would like to have the hope that maybe someday, someone will make me feel like this meme again.  Make me feel like I matter to them.  It's been a really long time since I have felt like I mattered to a partner who mattered so very much to me.

I Know I'm Not The Only One

As I sort through my healing, there is one day I have been putting off dealing with.  It was before I knew what was going on.  But this day...is the day all the alarms went off in my head.  It was the 2018 state tournament, and my daughter was competing.  It was the day Debra showed up with her daughter to watch the tournament.  I was completely baffled as to why she would come? My MIL and BIL were there as well.  When she showed up, the dynamic changed.  My husband lit up and he was overly animated.  They closed up their little conversation group and guess who was not included?  Me.  I will never forget the feeling I had.  I will never forget how I watched her interact with my family members and how she reached out and touched my husband as she laughed at something he said.  How she distracted me from what was important,  my daughter.  I remember the sinking feeling of suspicion and how after that,  I started to put pieces together and eventually found proof.  She wasn't there to watch a tournament,  she was there to check me out, to brazenly see my husband with me there, and to get a feel for her place and chances.  And she got it because while she was there,  D and I didn't exist... AT ALL!  In fact,  when D won the round to put her in the gold medal match,  he was so busy with Debra,  he didn't notice. 

This is the day.  This is where I changed.  This is the turning point.  It ramped up from here.  He became more and more involved with her.  To the point where he went from NEVER missing any of Ds tournaments or school events to missing all of them.  For what?  For HER? 

This day.  This awful day.

"You say I'm crazy / 'Cause you don't think I know what you've done / But when you call me baby / I know I'm not the only one"