One of the biggest things that left me feeling alone, unwanted and invisible is that when I would cry, especially at night or during an argument, he ignored me. The only time he would come by me is if our daughter was watching or if I said something about it. Then it just felt forced and obligatory.
After Dday#1 (and there were several) his attitude was that he didn't do anything wrong. He CLAIMS he didn't sleep with her, but there were many indications that he probably did. At the very least, he had a very strong emotional affair. But he never truly apologized. Instead, I got, "Sorry, Sister....". He met me with indifference and cruel emotional abuse.
He never intended on working on our marriage. He never intended to change. However, he DID intend to freeze me out. Anything he did, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries were all bare bones obligatory effort. No thought put into anything. No feelings. Just going through the motions. He didn't even say "I love you." anymore. It was always "Love you." He would pull away if I touched him. I would catch him glaring at me or rolling his eyes. The last 5 years of our marriage was just a shadow of what it should have been, what I thought it used to be.
That's when he started to really play the narcissist games. Gaslighting, silent treatments, guilt manipulation, continued infidelity, devaluation, projection, DARVO, intermittent reinforcement, stonewalling and playing victim. He lived a completely separate life, spending very little time with me or our daughter.
Narcissists take everything away from you. Your self worth, self confidence, happiness, sanity and ability to think clearly. You start to second guess yourself and you start to feel really alone. They isolate you, slowly so that you are immersed in their world and it all seems "normal" and YOU are the one who is too broken to be fixed. You become a toy that they play with to see what reactions they can get from you. Have you ever had a narcissist get eerily calm when you are discussing or expressing your hurts or feelings? Have you ever had them disengage and refuse to give you any feedback, physical or emotional? Have you ever felt like you were talking to nothing? That is how they get to you. Make you feel like you are so unimportant that you're not even worth listening to, interacting with or validating. YOU are the crazy one who just needs to be placated until you finally fall back in line and behave the way they want you to.
I went no contact in February. Since then, I have created a safe place for me to heal in. I have surrounded myself with friends and family (some who I lost for a bit) who support me, listen to me, help me fix myself and to let go of things that I can't fix. I have found clarity and strength and I have realized I am stronger than this.
The day of court when he was ordered from our marital home, he showed up with his mom and camera in tow. I had NO idea she was here and I tried to talk to him. It was the last time I would ever try this again because when I found out he was playing me, yet again with his mother recording the whole thing, I was done. He tried to tell me I would always hold a special place in his heart. That he would always love me in some way. What?!?
No. It was a ploy to try to hoover me and something switched in me. I was no longer the wife who wanted her marriage to work. I was the wife who wanted out. So the day he moved out, I had friends with me, who stayed until he left. Who helped me change the locks and create a safe place. He no longer had the right to me. He no longer had access to me to manipulate me. He tried! He tried to offer his services to dog sit if I should "go away for the weekend" or if I needed help with anything. Nope. I'm good. Go away.
You lost your right to say I mean anything to you.
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