To The Bone

This one cuts me to the bone...

When I think of the hours, days, months, years wasted trying to get him to understand what he'd done to me, to our family, to our marriage, I cringe. I remember how I screamed to be heard,  pushed to be seen,  ran away to be missed and nothing changed.  Nothing.  Well, except me.   Every time I went through this,  I lost part of myself.  I lost my self respect,  my sanity and my self worth.   I became a person I didn't like and didn't want to be. 

But I tried so hard!  I tried to get him to see, to feel, to understand...

But nothing worked because he had already made up his mind.  I was nothing.  I wasn't even worth fighting for because he was done with me.  He'd replaced me.  He'd already moved on before I even knew we were in trouble. 

I remember sitting in the hallway, in the wee hours of the morning, sobbing, begging and screaming out of frustration.  Who was that?  Who was this girl that was so desperate that she BEGGED to be loved again?  Who does that? 

Me. 

I did that.  I gave up every ounce of self respect because I was afraid to lose him and I loved him that much. 

Problem was,  I didn't love myself enough to not demoralize myself to that level.  

So I listen to this Kinks song and I shake my head. I feel so sorry for that girl who tried so hard but didn't know she was dealing with a narcissist. She thought she was dealing with someone who told her she was his everything,  his love, his life. She couldn't understand why he wasn't scared to lose her...why he wasn't fighting for her as hard as she was fighting for him?  She didn't understand how he could hurt her in the most horrific way and not feel bad about it.  She didn't even notice that he'd cut her so deep, she was bleeding out in front of him and he didn't care. 

He just didn't care. 

In my back room there's an old 45
That we played all summer long.
Shakin' the beams so loud it covered up the screams
When lover's harmony went oh so wrong.

And in every word emotion is torn,
And blood flows down the drain,
Like he opened up a vein
And cut me to the bone,
Yeah, he rocks me to the bone.