As my daughter prepares for her travel to another country to study abroad for the academic year, I struggle with the absence of her father in her life. She has chosen to not include him and with good reason, but I am sad that her father turned out to be just like mine...selfish, narcissistic and manipulative.
I've watched their relationship go from Super Dad to ghost. He was all about her when he wanted to prove he was a good father. But he was about being a show dad. He wasn't there for the hard stuff. The punishment, tears, fights and teaching moments. He was only there when he could brag about her. When he could bask in her glory of academic and athletic success.
As the years went on, he became less and less involved in her life. He missed conferences, school concerts, academic events. He started missing tournaments and family outings. He didn't go with on college visits and he wasn't involved in helping get her ready...until it was something that made HIM look good.
My daughter watched how he treated me. She saw how he was mentally abusive. How he bragged to her about his affair. How he let go of her.
I've watched as she wrestled with him not being in her life in favor of someone who wasn't her mother.
Now as she prepares to embark on this scary but amazing chapter of her life, he is not present. He throws manipulative texts her way that are of no purpose but to plant guilt in her for her choice. To show her how HE is the victim.
He showed up at her work just to stare at her. He plays victim. But he forgets his actions that put her here. How he disowned her financially and cut her off, but still demands that he gets all photos and videos of her. When she stated that only photos up to high school, he pitched a fit. But she's 20 now and has a right to say what gets shared. She wants him to have nothing past the affair. She has blocked him in every way possible now and if he knows she's leaving it's because someone else told him.
He only wants to be able to show what a great dad he is. What he doesn't tell people is part of the reason she has cut contact is because every time she asked for something from him, it came with strings. Not that she is his responsibility too, but he uses his affection, his help to manipulate her.
I sit here writing this, trying so hard to keep mama bear at bay. Going off on him just serves to his victim card. It's much better to just stay silent. But it's so hard. I have to remember she is now an adult. She has to deal with this without me as a shield. And I have to let my baby fly.
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