I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm

This is the blanket I spent over a month making for him.  It was post Dday #1, and exactly 4 years ago today that I completed it.  I proudly gave it to him and said, "Now you always have a hug from me."  

He took it, barely looked at it, and said a half audible thanks and then put it on top of a pile of clothes in the spare room where he'd been sleeping.  It never moved.  In fact, 3 years later, after he was ordered to move out, I went into the room to vacuum and clean up the trash he left and saw he'd left the blanket.  It was like a kick in the gut.  A truckful of salt dumped on my bleeding heart.  It was wadded up and dumped behind the door along with other stuff he'd left behind for me to clean up.

I kept the blanket.  I use it often.  Its an awesome throw that keeps me warm.  It does a better job at that then he ever did and I don't have to owe it anything for doing so.

His loss. 

Who let the Dogs out?

THE GREAT DOG BOWL FIGHT

When we adopted Lucy, a Sharpei Beagle mix, she wolfed down her food so fast that sometimes it came back up. My NEX suggested the MAZE style slow feed bowl. I didn't like it. I didn't want to have to use a toothbrush to clean it every day. He wouldn't be the one doing it, he was never home. About a month later I found the paw print one and brought it home. OMG! He flipped out. "I thought you said you didn't want one? You SAID it was too difficult to clean! But NOW you like it? Now it's YOUR idea?"

No matter how I tried to explain that the maze was tight and intricately molded and this was easier to clean, he didnt believe me or my motives. All he focused on was that I said I didn't want one. I just didnt want THAT one. He literally pouted FOR WEEKS and would make snide comments about it being approved by me and told our daughter not to buy things unless I approved them. He couldn't see or admit the differences. I agreed it was a good idea but his was too tight and too shallow and I wanted to see other options. 

This is how stupid the arguments would get!

Funny Valentine...?

February 14th has had its ups and downs.  

When I was being love bombed they were full of flowers and cards and special moments.   But there were years where I was forgotten (years where his attention was on someone else, I just didn't know it).

The worst one was after Dday#1.  The one where our daughter yelled at me for not believing in him.  He was going to make it up to us.  He was going to show up and step up.  She made me take her to the store to get ingredients for his favorite dinner.  When we got home,  he was finally there (it was 7pm btw) and there was nothing.   No flowers. No cards. No candy.  Nothing.

She was heartbroken.   And that's when she discovered his words meant nothing. 

There were years after where I discovered the gifts, cards, and hidden receipts for thing he bought for Debra. Things he tried to hide from me, or maybe he wanted me to find, I don't know. I just know, I was discarded in the most horrible way.  

Today I cried in the shower for the first time in a very long time.

But hey, at least today I know I won't be disappointed by someone who had vowed to love and be faithful to only me.

So at least I got that going for me.....

Which is nice. 

Tell Me Who the F@#& Are You?

Dear Jeff,

I still love you, but I’m setting you free.

You know how deeply I cared for you, don’t you?

You must know how many silent tears I shed, how many nights I wished you’d realize that indifference wounds more than words.

I never asked for much—just to be seen, to be felt, to be loved the way I loved you.

But instead, you made me feel invisible, even when I was right beside you.

I still love you, but that love no longer chains me.

It no longer traps me in a one-sided battle—where I was the only one trying, hoping, believing.

I won’t ask for your time anymore.

I won’t ask for your attention anymore.

I won’t ask for love anymore.

I won’t ask for honesty anymore.

I won’t ask you to choose me anymore.

I won’t ask for anything anymore.

I’m letting you go—not because I stopped caring, but because love was never meant to be this painful.

Maybe one day, you’ll understand what you lost.

But by then, I’ll be far away—where love isn’t begged for, but given freely.

- author unknown

Sad. So Sad. It's a Sad Sad Situation...

I have been struggling lately.  God...I dont know what's wrong with me.  It's like I fix one thing and another breaks.  I get to a point of happiness and joy and something happens and I am an emotional puddle.  My last therapy talk opened up some unresolved resentment toward my ex and my father that I didn't really understand or know was there.  And now I am withdrawing again.  Sitting here alone and scared and feeling that pull of...why am I here?  Why am I so unloveable?   Why can't I find someone who loves me in spite of me?

See I thought I had that.   Thats what he had me believe.  Proclaimed he would never do to me what others had done,  how he would always be there, how he wanted US and how he wasn't going anywhere....until that didn't matter to him and he left me emotionally years before he left physically.  

I struggle with missing being someone's person.  Having someone else help with ideas or projects.  Having someone hold me when I cried or f'ing tell me I am wrong.  I miss being irritated by a habit or hearing someone else in the house.

I miss my house.

I miss my family.

I miss being texted or called.

I miss having someone to open a jar or reach something high.

I miss feeling someone next to me in the middle of the night.

I miss being a part of something.

Maybe that's co dependency?  Maybe that's part of my abandonment issue?  I don't know yet.  I just miss it. 

And I miss it with him...

And when you hurt someone so much that still they die loving you

Let's talk about how narcs will absolutely do or say anything to protect their lies and then turn it all on the partner/victim to make it look like it's their fault for catching them.

My ex and his AP worked at Kohls together where my MIL introduced and encouraged them to get together.  When I found out about them I demanded he quit...or at the very least transfer.  Ha!  First he refused to quit..."I like it there.  I like the people I work with." (Well...thats a bit obvious) and he flatly refused to leave. When I pushed it, he told me he put in for a transfer. Months went by and he kept putting me off.  So I called the store and talked to the HR person, Lillian,...who surprisingly told me she knew nothing about a request for transfer. She asked why?  I told her about Debra and my husband and she got really quiet.  Later I confronted my narc and he blew up at me.  Why didn't I trust him?  Why did I call Lillian?  Why was I going behind his back?  This is why he doesn't tell me anything because I just cant accept what he tells me.  Why am I snooping?  I'm destroying lives!   Oh how he turned the tables.

I do take a lot of blame.  I set demands and never followed through on consequences.   I didn't enforce my boundaries and I didn't uphold threats.  I gave him too many chances. 

I should have filed for divorce then.  I should have been more forceful in kicking him out through the courts.  I should have filed a restraining order when he pinned me to the floor, his knee in my back twisting my arm as he wrestled his precious phone out of my grip. A move that left a bruise for every finger that gripped my arm.

Narcs will defend their lies until you believe you are at fault.  They want you to feel bad for not trusting them, for "snooping", for being "paranoid". For doing all the things that would expose their lies.  They are masters of deflection and smoke screens.  

He refused every stipulation I had...

Join the existing family GPS (I just wanted to spy on him)

Keep his phone unlocked (I just wanted to collect evidence)

Transfer from the store with Debra or quit (I was taking away something he liked that brought money to our budget)

Sell his car that he was with her in (its HIS car and we can't afford a new one)

Account for his time away from home with check ins (I am being controlling) 

Not allowed to bring his phone into the bathroom (I don't trust him and he has done nothing wrong,  they're just friends)

If I pushed any of these i got "Sorry Sister!  I'm not doing that."

20/20 hindsight is a powerful wakeup call. The further I get away from it, the more objective I become...and more talking points I have for my next session with my therapist...who also was married to a narc, and gets my issues.  But as I wade through these nuggets of the 6 years post Dday #1 (yes there was a #2 and a #3) I realized that in those first few months after discovery, if I had any self worth left or self esteem I would have been gone after being pinned to the floor.  But by that time I had endured 15 years of being stripped of all my confidence, independence and was preyed upon until I was so undermined and insecure, I was terrified to lose him.  I couldn't survive without him.

This wasn't all his fault.  Girls often marry men who remind them of their fathers...and I was no exception.  I had unresolved childhood trauma with my father.  And the kicker?  My narc was there for so much of it.  He was often the one I called to rescue me or come protect me in some way.  He knew what my dad did...so he knew exactly how to play me to get me to do what he wanted me to.  Silent treatment,  abandonment, disapproval and disgust.   All a perfect recipe to make me feel guilty or insecure. Soon I was someone I never wanted to be.  I yelled, screamed, threw drinks at him, and even hit back when he cornered me or slapped his face when he would make fun of me or get inches from mine while seething at me.  And ashamedly, there were times where I completely lost it on him after he would blatantly lie to me and defend his AP.  

He has robbed me of my ability to ever love again unconditionally.   To blindly trust in someone. To give my heart freely.  I dont know that I will ever be able to love again.  He walked away from me and our daughter without guilt, feeling completely justified in his actions.  He is out with his AP as she goes through her own divorce, while I am doing all I can to get through my day and to find joy again.