Sad. So Sad. It's a Sad Sad Situation...

I have been struggling lately.  God...I dont know what's wrong with me.  It's like I fix one thing and another breaks.  I get to a point of happiness and joy and something happens and I am an emotional puddle.  My last therapy talk opened up some unresolved resentment toward my ex and my father that I didn't really understand or know was there.  And now I am withdrawing again.  Sitting here alone and scared and feeling that pull of...why am I here?  Why am I so unloveable?   Why can't I find someone who loves me in spite of me?

See I thought I had that.   Thats what he had me believe.  Proclaimed he would never do to me what others had done,  how he would always be there, how he wanted US and how he wasn't going anywhere....until that didn't matter to him and he left me emotionally years before he left physically.  

I struggle with missing being someone's person.  Having someone else help with ideas or projects.  Having someone hold me when I cried or f'ing tell me I am wrong.  I miss being irritated by a habit or hearing someone else in the house.

I miss my house.

I miss my family.

I miss being texted or called.

I miss having someone to open a jar or reach something high.

I miss feeling someone next to me in the middle of the night.

I miss being a part of something.

Maybe that's co dependency?  Maybe that's part of my abandonment issue?  I don't know yet.  I just miss it. 

And I miss it with him...