Lies, the thousands of lies that were told. All the misdeeds that were done. How he would tell me he wanted US but would "doordash" so that he could spend time with her. How he ignored texts for days or would send me to voicemail. He was always SO busy! But he lost his 20+ year job because he was TOO BUSY with her.
Closure. I will never get it. A therapist told me he needed to stop the trickle truth and give me full disclosure. Yeah, it would be a cold day in hell before he would ever admit to anything he did. It was much more conducive to blame me.
So what is my closure? My closure is the fact that he is completely out of my life. That I have my truth, hard evidence and knowledge of what he did. I go back and re read texts where he bold faced lied when I feel like I might miss him or want to talk to him. After reading these texts, the feeling goes away.
I stay away from anything that he might be affiliated with because I really don't want to know him anymore...but that doesn't mean I don't think about him.
Closure is something we need to gain clarity. But I really already have that. I guess I really just want him to take accountability for all he did and stop pushing it all on me. I think that is the hardest part. So many years of him blaming me for his inadequacies and his bad behavior. He blamed me for the lies he told. He blamed me for not being honest about things because he didn't want to deal with me. He knew. He knew I would hold him responsible and accountable and he would have to face it. So he lied to me. BIG lies.
What IS my fault is being intentionally blind to his behavior. For forgiving him anything. For believing he was everything he said he would be and pushing away my disappointment when he broke promise after promise. It IS my fault for staying longer than I should have. It IS my fault for tolerating his behavior (until I couldn't anymore) and it's my fault for ever trusting him from the beginning.
Closure is definitely a struggle and my therapist tells me often to be patient. But I can't be patient and since this is solely on me, I can only yell at myself for being so trusting and ... well ... desperate. the struggle is real. There was no ending talk. There was no common ground. There was no "understanding", only gaslighting, deflection and blame shifting. Pulling myself out of this hole that he dug for us has been so hard that I am left exhausted. It's hard to keep self affirming and believe in the positives when for so long I felt invisible, unworthy and unloveable. Even today, I can't even think about another relationship. My friends keep trying to encourage me to at least put my toe in the water but all I can think about is how messed up I am. How distrustful I am and how just thinking about a relationship has me breaking out in sweats. Anxiety levels shoot through the roof!
Closure? It not in the cards for me. So very slowly I am learning to accept what has happened, how much everything has changed and how to live the rest of my time here on earth without a person I loved so much I gave up everything for, including who I am. Narcissism survival is not for the faint of heart or weak in spirit. And tho I may be battle weary, I will survive this.
I might even get a t-shirt.
No comments:
Post a Comment