I am 18 months out from when he was ordered to move out and 9 months from the finalization of my divorce.
All of this started back in August of 2018 when Twatwaffle showed up at one of my daughter's tournaments. Then a series of events, oddities and lies sent me searching for her and I found evidence of their affair in January of 2019 and then I confronted my NEX. The following 5 years, I fought. I fought hard for my marriage. I researched what I could do to save it. I tried to talk to him, get back to us...but there was just no going back. He had no interest in working on our marriage. He was just waiting it out until our daughter turned 18 so he wouldn't have to pay me child support not to mention Twatwaffle was still married herself. However, Once our daughter was in college, he did go behind my back to file for divorce and planned to have everything go down a full month later after our daughter went back to school so as to blindside me when I was alone. However, an attorney I consulted with back when I found out about the affair, contacted me because my name came up on a docket search and she asked if I needed representation. When I confronted him about it, his reaction was nefarious in nature and from then on, the mask was off.
So the spring and summer of 2024 our daughter and I were thrown into chaos as we uprooted our lives, (the only home she has ever known was now gone) moved, looked for a new place, fought for the proceeds from the marital home that he wanted to hold hostage, then moved again within 30 days. The months after selling the house were so chaotic, I had NO time to really process what happened, what was happening and how it affected me emotionally or mentally. That summer was busy with us moving in and getting settled and also getting ready to send our daughter abroad for the academic year in England. It wasn't until she left that my world came crashing down.
I spent most of that fall and winter dealing with being totally alone and dealing with the anger, the panic, the loss all at once. My poor dog didn't know what to do with me. I was crying a lot. I was short tempered and I wasn't sleeping. The one thing I was doing? Stress eating.
During this time, I had some amazing friends who slapped me up side the head from time to time and family who helped me navigate single life homeownership. I have great neighbors who watched out for me and checked up on me to make sure I was ok. I had a therapist who went through what I did and understood what craziness was inside my head. I was one of the lucky ones.
Healing by yourself is so hard. Your brain really doesn't like you and it wants to tell you all the horrible things you did and how that made you the world's worst wife and mother...hell, the world's worst human being! Since you don't have closure, a real truthful reason, you fill in the blanks and since you only know your thoughts, your actions...you can only blame yourself. There were several times I didn't understand how I was even still alive. I was a waste of space. After 20 years of being told I was too broken to be fixed, I began to wonder if they were right. My poor therapist spent hours deprogramming me, showing me the tricks of the narcissists and how they will avoid accountability by shifting blame. Creating situations to cause a reaction, to then blame you for anger issues, or abuse. It was a horrible Christmas last year as I hit my absolute lowest point in my life.
It has been a long crawl out of that hole that was dug, and while I can see daylight, I am not out of it by any means. The journey made me face some ugly inside me but realizing that not all that ugly I was carrying was mine to carry, or even true. Healing is a daily choice. A daily effort to push that ugly back into it's cage and lock it up. Saying NO I won't think that way about myself. It's a choice every day to believe that I am not the one that is the monster. I was manipulated, abused in so many ways, and the trauma I endured, especially at the end, has long reaching effects.
One of the main things I learned is that I needed to come to terms that there was never going to be a possibility for any kind of truce, or understanding. I would NEVER get the closure and explanation I so desperately wanted. Narcissists don't do that. That would require self reflection of their own behavior and according to them, it's never their fault (unless admitting that somehow benefits them in some way). I needed to create my own closure, my own ending so I could learn to move forward. And by volunteering through Divorce Care, through my church, I had learned that helping others helped me too.
This past Spring, I ended up running smack into another hurdle. One I wasn't expecting, let alone was prepared for, but found it anyway. The possibility of letting someone else in my life. He's been very nice. Very patient. I didn't even realize what was happening until it nearly slapped me upside the head. But when it did, it brought up a whole mountain of panic and issues and I completely shut down. I couldn't breathe. The mere thought of letting him in (both figuratively and physically into my home) had me hyper-ventilating. For the past few months, he has knocked on my door, checked in and exchanged phone numbers...which I never used, until a few weeks ago when I texted him. Thusly, the flood gates were opened and an entire 5 days came full force with the universe screaming at me to let him in. So I did, well, physically anyway. He was in my condo a good 4-5 times that weekend for one reason or another. We were texting, we met in the driveway for a chat. And then I went cold. I backed off. I couldn't entertain anything. And then he told me he was moving. Of course. He would be moving...and going on a trip for a month. Yay.
But we said we would keep in touch. I put the brakes on hard anyway and found myself ducking him when I hear him opening the patio door and I rush inside so as not to be seen. He's an amazing person. Really sweet and nice. And in my head, better than I deserve. I am not ready for this. I can't even handle a new male friend right now and especially someone who has really pretty blue eyes.
So right now, I have this whole other mess inside my head to deal with. One that is preventing me from having any type of feelings for someone other than my nex, who had ZERO issues moving on from a 20+ year marriage and over 45 years of friendship. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to love anyone ever again. Will I always feel this dread, panic and fear? This man is nothing like my NEX and he did nothing but be nice to me. But the very thought of trusting him makes me want to vomit.
Now, here's the confusing part. I mentioned he is moving and going on a trip for a month. I am SO sad about this. Tears. Moping. Sadness. I don't want him to leave. But I don't want him to touch me either. So now I have another serious reason to talk to my therapist again. And if this is any signal to me about where I am headed....the 6 pints of base for my Ninja Creami waiting in my freezer, might tell you I'm reaching a fevered pitch for stress eating. But at least this time it's healthy and low calorie and fat free. But still. One person really needs 6 pints?
One thing I am very sure of. I may have made some incredible improvement in my life (and my therapist says the change in my outlook on life is probably what is causing the situation I now face - something I can't even say out loud or in type) I am most definitely NOT ready yet to open my heart to anyone in any capacity beyond a casual friend.
Maybe someday...but maybe I'm too old and set in my ways. Maybe I am convinced I will always be lonely for all of the rest of my days. - Ok, need to stop with that song.
Here's to Fat Free Strawberry Banana Frozen Yogurt and a quiet night with my dog.
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