I ran across this meme and when I read it, I stopped. It held everything that was wrong with how I viewed him. And ever since reading this, I have fully blamed myself.
Yes. He is a cheater, a manipulative abuser who has a fragile ego and displays narcissistic behaviors. But yet, he is being who he is. I am the one who expected him to change. Who wanted him to choose me. I'm the one who stayed, hoping that he would remember 40 years of our history and think...what am I doing? And become that person I fell in love with when I was 16. I am the one who chose to ignore the red flags. I am the one who believed in us SO fiercely, that I allowed him to cheat on me and when others tried to tell me, I ignored it. I am the one that allowed myself to express my rawest emotions to fuel his torture. I am the one who allowed myself to give into my frustrations and react in such an uncharacteristic way. I am the one, who until now, believed in my marriage vows.
Yesterday was a very low day for me. I am in my dad's house. My belongings stuffed into his garage and spilling over into his living room and dining room. My daughter and I forced to sleep on air mattresses and both of our digestive systems upset from eating so much takeout because everything we own has been in boxes for the past 2 weeks.
When my daughter left for work, I was left alone. Truly alone. And I came across this meme and I realized just how it was all my fault. He has moved on. Living his life. Unencumbered by guilt or remorse. No feelings of loss or grief. As our daughter and I packed up our house, he was taking weekend trips, participating in cycling events, suddenly socializing and being Mr. Party guy. He feels nothing. He was so arrogant with our neighbor when he showed up to the house the other day to assess what he had left to move out that my neighbor texted me how he never wants to speak with him again.
This is what I tolerated. This is what I ALLOWED. Me. No one else. Me.
So here I sit. Facing the mirror and looking into a face I no longer recognize. Eyes so full of sadness and pain. Feeling a heart inside my chest that really doesn't want to go on, but has to because of our daughter. All I want to do is disappear and evaporate. To dissolve the way my marriage did. To pay for the absolute stupidity I exhibited. Because...I expected loyalty from someone who didn't give me honesty. And I stayed and hoped and loved and fought anyway.
I deserve what I got. I allowed it and I alone am to blame for how I feel now. It's time to work on me and why I allowed this? Why did I accept his behavior? Why did I choose to believe his lies? Why did I reinforce his behavior? All questions I don't have answers for...yet.
