If you have been involved with a Narcissist or have had the misfortune of marrying them and possibly having children with them, you understand the smear campaign.
My ex seems to think that everything he did was because I made him do it. He has a laundry list longer than a CVS receipt as to why he is not at fault, it wasn't an affair and that he was just protecting HIS private life.
Narcs are super talented at deflecting blame and not accepting accountability. None of us are perfect. Hell, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I have flaws...BIG flaws. But none of them were a surprise to my STBX. He's known me our whole adult life. Yes, I made mistakes. I know I can be difficult. I am an Aries afterall. I am also Sicilian/Danish and well, I am woman...hear me roar. Not that those issues are any excuse, he is a Taurus, Danish/Polish and product of Narcissistic parents. But I digress.
Since our separation last November, I have had various things come back to me from mutual acquaintances and friends/family. He has contacted members of MY family asking to talk to them and, well, he didn't receive a very good response. But this is the type of behavior they exhibit. They have to make sure their image is not tainted and they will go to any length to make sure they look like the victim. He even went so far as to reach out to my cousin's widow, feigning he had an item he wanted to return and to get some DOG LOVING from her golden because (according to him) I won't let him near our dogs. Sad, sad little man.
It's been hard for me to lose friends who believed his story. But he actually did me a HUGE favor. People I have lost? They weren't loyal friends. They were people who believed without a thought, without examining the situation. These are people I do not need in my life. I have NEVER asked anyone to take sides. I have never told anyone I wouldn't be friends with them if they were friends with him. However, if they are, I do interact cautiously because I don't want to put them in the middle nor do I want to have anything I say reported back. So I keep very neutral. I am happy with my circle of friends. I am happy with the people in my life. These are my core friends, my ride or die friends.
The smear campaign can be so devastating. Hearing what someone you loved, trusted and adored is now saying about you, all the unkind things that they never said to you, all the issues they had with your existence that was NEVER communicated to you is often felt like a cold, hard slap in the face. Often it makes you turn inward. Was I really that bad? Was I really that awful? No. But I remember I once saw a meme that said:
I laugh. I felt that meme. To hear his side of the story, it's amazing that I have any friends or family at all. When you hear these tales you start to wonder if the two of you lived in the same house and experienced the same relationship! It really makes you question your sanity. But remember, this is what a narcissist does. They revise history. They stonewall. They gaslight and even call YOU the narcissist. But don't believe it. It's what they want you to do, believe their lies the way their flying monkeys do. Remember who you are, what your truth is and all the ways their lies just don't add up. Let go of the people who don't understand your story. The people who enable the narcissists lies. They are of no use to you, your mental health or your healing.
We aren't perfect people but we also aren't the sole reason the relationship ended as the Narc would have people believe. Most of the time their stories leave out all the bad stuff they did and exaggerate your flaws to make them borderline on psychotic. The difference between me and him? He continues on with his same ol', same ol' and I have been working on the flaws. I know I won't ever be perfect, but I can lessen some of the harshness and "broken" bits of me. For a long time, I took to heart what my MIL told me, that I was "Too broken to be fixed." That sat with me a long time. I felt that it was all me, my fault, that I didn't deserve to live let alone try to be a mom or a wife or a friend. I sucked as a human being because I "wasn't worth a heart attack". I felt that I was everything wrong with our family, and you know what? They were right. My mom tried so hard to tell me that they were the ones wrong, but then she died. My friends tried to tell me, but then they stopped trying because I didn't believe them. My family also fell away and I was alone and that's exactly how they wanted it. Because then I was completely dependant upon them for my view of the world. But then it changed. And as soon as I started holding them accountable, I became a problem. As soon as I found my spine, I was a bitch. As soon as I started pointing out their crazy life views, I was discarded.
There is a song out right now by Post Malone and Morgan Wallen that says a whole lot about this very subject. If you haven't already, read these lyrics, read them. If you are a narc victim these lyrics will shout to you what you have been feeling for a long time.
You got a lot of nerve, don't you, baby?
I only hit the curb 'cause you made me
You're tellin' all your friends that I'm crazy
Like I'm the only one
Why'd you throw them stones if you
Had a wild hair of your own or two?
Livin' in your big glass house with a view
I thought you knew
I had some help
It ain't like I can make this kinda mess all by myself
Don't act like you ain't help me pull that bottle off the shelf
Been deep in every weekend if you couldn't tell
They say, "Teamwork makes the dream work"
Hell, I had some help (help)
You thought I'd take the blame for us a-crumblin'
Go 'round like you ain't guilty of somethin'
Already lost the game that you been runnin'
Guess it's catchin' up to you, huh
You think that you're so innocent
After all the shit you did
I ain't an angel, you ain't heaven-sent
Can't wash our hands of this
I had some help
It ain't like I can make this kinda mess all by myself
Don't act like you ain't help me pull that bottle off the shelf
Been deep in every weekend if you couldn't tell
They say, "Teamwork makes the dream work"
Hell, I had some help (help)
It takes two to break a heart in two, ooh
Baby, you blame me and, baby, I blame you
Aw, if that ain't the truth (oh)
I had some help
It ain't like I can make this kinda mess all by myself
Don't act like you ain't help me pull that bottle off the shelf
Been deep in every weekend if you couldn't tell
They say, "Teamwork makes the dream work"
Hell, I had some help (help)
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