It is said that an apology is manipulation if it comes without change. Thinking back on my marriage, I realized my husband never apologized sincerely. It was always a means to placate me into submission so that I wouldn't bring it up anymore. His "change" lasted maybe 3 days and then he was right back to doing what he wanted, when he wanted.
If I got an apology for his bad behavior or his hurtful words, I would get something along the lines of...
"I'm sorry for everything, ok?"
And I realized, that isn't an apology either.
An apology is acknowledging how you hurt someone, their feelings and actually making the change so it doesn't happen again. My husband would just get out the shovel and dig that hole he was in deeper.
So often when I addressed something. A lie, and affair, money issues, etc., I was often met with a brick wall. When he did join the conversation, it was usually to turn the tables back on me. It usually became my fault. Some of his excuses? You're too sensitive and I can't deal with it. You're a moving target, I never know how you'll react. I'm trying to protect you.
All BS. He didn't want to have the conversations because he knew he was wrong and I would call him out on it. He didn't want to face his behavior.
Adults sit down and talk about things. Whenever I tried to do that, he would avoid me, go stone silent or just make it all my fault. Everything was my fault.
Solving problems with a narcissist is like trying to get an Ostrich to fly. All the parts are there, in theory they should be able to, but they can't. A narcissist looks like a normal human being who is self assured and capable, but they aren't. Their emotional maturity is stuck in childhood. They never are able to evolve into humans who are able to take accountability, apologize and change their behavior. It's not them, it's us. WE are the problem.
If WE don't change to suit them and fall in line, they seek out another supply to fill up their ego. They are incapable of true loyalty to a partner because the only one they are loyal to is themselves.
I used to get so frustrated trying to reason with him. He would dig in and just tell me I was being unreasonable. To the point that after 21+ years of marriage to him, I really thought I was the problem. While I am not 100% innocent, I certainly was not 100% responsible either. In fact, a lot of the "issues" he and his mother had with me? Were because I called out their hypocritical and narcissistic behavior. So, yes, I became "the problem" because I saw through their facade, especially at the end. When my mom died and they all acted like I should have gotten over my grief in a week, I realized that this family was ice to the core. My grief was an inconvenience and I was shamed for it.
After his affair, my questioning when, where, who and how became "controlling" and "manipulative". If I asked why he was spending 40 minutes in the bathroom I was "invading his privacy". Asking for him to be home more that a few hours a week was "demanding". Asking him to join the family GPS was just a means to "spy" on him. Asking him to leave the store where he had the affair with his mother's best friend, was "out of line". Because I asked him to be transparent and work to earn my trust back, I became "difficult". His story always changed to suit his behavior. To make himself look good and to make me look crazy and an unfit human being.
It has taken friends, family and a year's worth of bi weekly therapy to finally get to a place where I know that I did nothing wrong. My horrible actions were in REACTION to his manipulation and I cracked at the end out of sheer desperation. I am still working on accepting that and not self blaming. While I still have things I'm working on, I am in a much better place now and when I look back, I realize there was nothing I could have done to change anything. It was entirely out of my hands.
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