One is the lonliest number you will ever do.

While this thing with letting someone in, didn't work out because I am not in a place to accept that kind of trust yet, it got me thinking about my very obvious motives.  It was like I NEEDED to have this relationship in order to feel completed yet when it presented itself, I ran away.  

I am nothing if not a conundrum.

So this whole thought process of WHY was I shying away and what was wrong with me got me to where I was questioning if I could ever love again.  I talked with my very patient therapist who agreed, my healing isn't done.  However, it is a good sign that I am even wondering if I should open up.  My brain was in survival mode for so long, that the thought of trusting another human with my world just makes me nauseous.  

I have realized, that while I am enjoying my independence, I am lonely.  I used to think I missed my Nex...but I don't think I do anymore.  What I miss is having a person.  Someone I can talk to about my day, sporadically decide to go to dinner with or bounce ideas off of...I miss the companionship.  The recent opportunity offered that, until he said he was moving and then it just all became too much for me. 

My therapist reminded me that having a husband/boyfriend does not define who I am as a person. All it really says is that another person said, "Ok!" when the opportunity presented itself to attach to another human being. Yeah, well, I still want someone to say "OK!", ok?  This world is built for couples. Two seats on a train, in the front of a car, tables for 2 at a restaurant or BOGO's.  I mean seriously, cooking for just one person is hard.  So, I eat a lot of cereal. 

Society has identified that a woman is nothing without a man, or, a partner of some sort. Someone who claims you as theirs. If you are unclaimed, you are looked upon as broken, damaged, or even discounted. And I am here to tell you that I am not cheap, I am on sale!

When I was married, I was claimed, but unwanted. Looking back I realized I was much lonelier than I am now and I had someone who was supposed to be my person.  Being alone can be lonely, but being alone with someone who doesn't value you, see you or even respect you is so much worse.  

So, yes, while I am still in my healing process, things are still coming up that I am coming to terms with and looking inward to find ways to fix.  I can't be a valued person to anyone else if I don't heal.  I can't offer myself as a potential partner if I can't trust. 

And I am not going to just settle for anyone, just so I can not be alone.  I am woman.  I do not need a partner to define who I am.  Who I am will define the partner I have.  And my standards have raised significantly (and it's not about what they look like).  I want a partner who is patient, kind and will teach me what a real love should be.  Someone who understands my scars and doesn't use them against me.  Someone who is willing to teach me about what real love feels like. Maybe he doesn't exist.  Maybe I am like Sally Owens in Practical Magic who created a spell for someone to fall in love with that doesn't exist so she will never have her heart broken.  But this is what I need in order to accept someone in my life. Maybe someday, that person will appear, or maybe they won't.  But I have the hope that maybe one day, I will know what love really feels like by a person who knows how to communicate, accept accountability and has a strong sense of loyalty. A person who will make room for me in their life and not entertain someone else because they are keeping their options open.  In return, I will give everything I have to create a happy and healthy relationship and make sure they feel loved, seen and valued. 

Or....maybe not. 

But I have hope. I will always have hope.