Happy Easter

I am spendidng Easter alone today.  Daughter's Spring break didn't fall during a time where she would be home for the holiday and she will be home next week for her birthday.  So not a basket or bunny in sight today.  No chocolates or Jelly Beans.  Just me and Harry Potter.  I have been spending the weekend doing some repairs to make the house less scary for sale.  Things I am able to do, albeit, not very well, but all the same, better. 

Tonight I am going over to a friend's house for dinner.  I am bringing my cheesy potatoes.  As I was preparing the dish for the oven, I started to think about what is on the horizon.  Looking at all that is around my house and wondering...Do I REALLY need this?  Three cheers for  minimalist living. 

My ex is being a jerk.  Not unexpected.  He is creating situations to try to make me look bad to the judge.  But this time, he kind of got to me a little.  Probably because the END is so much closer than before.  I think too much when I am alone.  I over-think really.  And as I dropped the ladder on my pinky toe and started to cry because...damn that hurt...I cursed out my STBX.  All the shit he should have been doing around the house, but didn't because he was spending all of his time with someone else.  All the shit that he should have been helping me with he isn't.  He doesn't have to do a damned thing.  But that was my choice.  They don't tell you this when you get exclusive use of the house for the protection of your sanity.  But this shouldn't be happening at all.  We should be entering our golden years planning things like trips, remodeling, outings.   But no.  He decided he wanted to do that with someone else's wife. He got a bigwig job so he doesn't need me anymore for income.  Don't I feel used?

I wasn't enough for him.  I wasn't worthy of him and his mother.  I was replaced and discarded and it took me so long to figure out that no matter what I did, it didn't matter.  He was done with me.  I was of no use to him.  He has his future planned.  He has a place to live.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  

A woman over 40 who isn't America's Top Model, will not be able to find someone.  Especially in today's world where dating apps are just full of scammers and catfish and it's all just high school all over again.  I didn't fair that well in High Shcool.  So I don't think I am going to be doing the dating app thing.

It all boils down to this.  The whole time he was telling me that I was not worthy or enough, he was actually telling me he wasn't man enough or strong enough for me.  I actually expected loyalty, accountability and to be the ONE and ONLY in his life.  Shame on me.  But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  And so here we are. 

Happy Easter.  

"Why do ye seek the living among the dead? He is not here. He is Risen!"

I Am Woman...

How many of us have sat by ourselves, trying to figure out what happened?  What did WE do to make this happen?  What did WE NOT do to save things?  How can we fix it? How can we make it better?  How, How, How?

But I don't agree that we don't fix ourselves.  We DO!  We fix what made us take it for so long.  We fix our hearts and apply gold to the cracks to show we have been broken but we still go on.  We fix our trust abilities and we fix how we love.

Then...we adjust our crowns, open the door and go out into the world knowing we will NEVER be broken in that way ever again!

I am woman hear me roar!

Before He Cheats

Narcissistic cheating is probably one of the most devastating experiences that the partner can experience in the relationship with them.  Why?  Because cheating brings out ALL the Narc traits. 

Gaslighting  ✅

Stonewalling  ✅

Projection ✅

Lack of Empathy✅

Triangulation ✅

Lying ✅

Love Bombing ✅

Hoovering ✅

Intimidation ✅

Silent Treatment ✅

Blaming ✅

Intimidation ✅

Victim ✅

Smear Campaign ✅

Guilt ✅

Revenge ✅

Too often, the narc cheater turns the blame onto their partner so that they can avoid accountability. They do this to justify their actions when in truth, there is no justification that blaming their partner will absolve them of any guilt. It all comes down to integrity. And a narcissist has no true integrity. They have fake integrity. But when you take their mask off, there's nothing. Don't take the blame. Its not your fault. THEY made the CHOICE.

In my case his whole family stood behind him, enabled him and laid everything at my feet.  Told me what a horrible wife and mother I was and how I deserved (Yes you read that right) what happened to me.  I am by no means perfect.  I know I have my own issues.  I know I am a strong Aries and that isn't easy.  But NO ONE deserves to be cheated on, lied to, manipulated and abused in such a way.  If you're unhappy, talk.  If talking doesn't resolve anything, then counseling.  If that doesn't help then leave.  Or...just leave.  But sneaking around and lying and manipulation through intimidation is in NO way acceptable.  

Sadly, too many of us tolerate too much for too long and we end up so pulverized by the actions of the narc and his family that we don't know who or what we are. We live in fear.  Survival mode. We find ourselves stuck because we start to believe what they tell us, that we are unworthy, unloveable and too broken to be loyal to.  They want us to believe all these horrible, awful things so that we feel that we deserved it and they were completely justified in their actions!  

CHEATING IS NOT JUSTIFIABLE!

CHEATING IS NOT A MISTAKE!

Cheating is a choice. 

Blame shifting is a cowardly behavior.

Making another person feel responsible for YOUR reprehensible behavior is abuse. 

It's really that simple. 

Why Ya Gotta Be So Rude?

I am a horrible person. 

You see, I have gone no contact with my STBX.  After his treatment towards me whenever I have texted him asking questions (ignoring me completely to outright hostility in response) regarding the house that I am trying to get ready for sale, it is healthier for me to not communicate with him at all.   Add to this atrocious behavior on my part, the fact that our daughter has also gone no contact with him, he is absolutely beside himself. 

He tells people that it's all my fault that our daughter won't speak to him.  That I am a total and complete Beeotch for not having any communication with him at all.  He is especially upset with me because I had to put our 14 year old dog down because she was in so much pain and had become incontinent and I had some friends text him that I had to do this.  He is absolutely furious with me, feeling he should have been there.  I should have let him know.  He should have been included in the decision!  How dare I!  Sorry, but he gave up all rights to anything when he filed.

I know he hates that I have cut him off.  He operated under the delusion that we would "remain friends" and we would have a friendly divorce - cuz you know, it would make him look good.  I think he thought I would try to hang onto any type of contact with him.  After all, since we were kids, I was the perpetual puppy dog that would follow him around. I stuck around for five full years after finding out about his affair with his mom's best friend.  I begged, I pleaded, I fought and I tried so hard.  But he was done with me. 

The secret tho?  Its not the way he treats me really that I have cut him off.  It's because I don't want to know him anymore.  I don't want to know how wonderful his life is without me, or that he's getting engaged, or remarried or living it up.  I don't want to know that he is happier that I am not in his life and that everything I went through with him was just a lie.  It's easier to pretend that he doesn't exist anymore.  That this hurt, this devastation I feel isn't because he chose someone over me.  It's so hard to explain. I feel like I've completely lost my mind. 

I am doing my best to find the path that leads me to healing. Most days, I carefully trod down  this road and I feel pretty normal.  But then there are days where I find something, or facebook brings up a memory and he's in it or something happens and I want to tell him about it...and I wind up feeling totally lost, totally alone and completely shattered.  

This past weekend I was at my daughter's university to attend a fundraiser.  Her volunteers and friends were there to hug me, to welcome me, call me  "Mom" and treat me like a queen.  Afterwards, I asked my daughter why?  Why were there such accolades?  She said "Mom, you have this presence that everyone responds to.  You're loving, you're giving and you accept everyone.  People see that and return it.   Why does it confuse you?"  I said, "Because I gave my all to the one person in my life I thought was forever and it wasn't enough."  She said, "You've been starved of love and affection for so long, it's now foreign to you." 

Wow.  That hit home. 

So, you see, I'm not being rude.  I am protecting myself.   There is a difference.  If setting a boundary and sticking to it makes me a Beeotch, then fine.  But I gave 1000% and then some to this marriage and to be tossed aside like trash was almost more than I could bear.  I don't need to know that everything is wonderful without me.  I already know that it is because he didn't love me, he used me. I know I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't any more horrible than any other wife and I didn't do anything like he'd done.  I don't want to be the voodoo doll that he pokes with his pin of living his best life.  I just want to heal, fix myself and move forward.  I want to live in a world where he no longer exists and can no longer hurt me.  I just want peace.  Too bad that bruises his ego. I'm still recovering from my bruises. 

One Is The Loneliest Number

There have been a lot of changes over the past few months.  Finding out my husband of 20 years filed for divorce because he felt his PRIVATE life was more important than our family, our marriage.  My daughter's decision to remove her father from her life, needing to get the house ready for sale, the death of a very close family member, having to put my beloved 14 year old dog down and most of all dealing with my father who needed to be moved to memory care as he could no longer take care of himself and finally, my daughter being accepted for a full year study abroad program in England.  All of this, in the span of about seven months but a majority of it happening in the past 90 days.  It has been extremely overwhelming and stressful and I have had to shoulder it alone. 

Don't get me wrong.  I have some VERY good friends.  Friends who patched the holes in the wall that HE created during a temper tantrum.  Friends who showed up on a Friday night, unexpectedly because they  noticed I had gone quiet on them.  Friends who text me, "Checking up on you." out of the blue to make sure I am still breathing.  Friends who say, "Let's go...."  and we end up at a movie, or dinner or at their house playing cards.  They are there to keep me afloat.

I worry about where I am going to live. How will I survive?  I will have to get another job to make ends meet and will I ever be able to own my own place again?  Because everything is up in the air, unsure, unknown, I am afraid of what will happen.  But I just have to have faith.  I just have to believe all of this is happening for a reason.  That I have endured so many years of unhappiness, abuse and feeling invisible, that something good has to come out of all this, right?  Right?!?!

But there have been some good things to happen too.  I have been invited to facilitate a Divorce Care group of my own!  I have rejoined my church and church choir.  I have a social life again.  I am finding things I like to do again. I am finding my voice again.  

All these things are great.  But I am also very lonely.  I realized that I have been very lonely for a very long time.  Ever since finding out about my husband's affair in January of 2019 and how he had gone back to her time and time again since then, I have been lonely, alone and in desperate need of love and affection.  During those 5 years between discovery and present day, I have been made to feel unworthy, broken, invisible, and unloveable.  While he has jumped into his relationship of his dreams, I have been trying to work through all that happened.  My part in the breakdown of my marriage and work on myself to be a person who IS worthy, who IS loveable, who is NOT broken.  And now, being faced with letting go of all the things that meant anything to me, I find I am ready to let go of so much that I am literally filling garbage cans every week.   

But with creating all this space in my life, I am finding I have all this empty space, literally and figuratively which I automatically want to interpret as room for someone.  But I also realize that while I am so longing for someone to share things with, to be able to hug on demand or to curl up with at the end of a long day, I am NOT ready.  Just the thought of starting a new relationship sends me into a panic mode.  Learning someone else the way I (thought I) knew my ex is so daunting and I find myself not wanting to start this journey.  The "dating" scene alone has me skiddish.  So many scams and jerks out there, I don't know if I could handle that.  And the ability to meet someone again?  Slim.  So I face the remaning years of my life alone...and that scares me.  

I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I don't want to face the world without someone who means the world to me by my side. but here I am and boy does that suck.

I know at this time, my healing isn't done.  Just the fact that the THOUGHT of finding someone new terrifies me, is a huge clue. I have been married twice and both times, my partner has cheated on me.  That has to say something about me.  That has to say that either I am doing something, or I have REALLY bad taste in men.  I can't emotionally afford to have another relationship that I give my all to, fall apart.  I don't know that I can go through putting pieces back together, sweeping up the mess and moving through the whole process again.  This one nearly (literally) killed me.  And it still might. 

So what do we do?  

Right now, my plan is to just keep moving forward.  Keep putting things back together.   Keep finding new things.  And if it's in the cards to try a 3rd time, then maybe I will.  But I certainly won't actively look for it. My heart is still with my ex.  Sounds pretty silly and psychotic in a way, but even after all that happened, I still love him.  I will always love him.  I just don't love what he became.  I don't love what he did. I don't love the callous way he hurt me.  The malicious way he took himself away from me.  What happened has left me skiddish, scarred and afraid to open up and trust.  Oh my God, trust!  I just don't have it in me to trust anyone again the way I did him and that is not fair to any potential partner.  I have so much work to do on that front that I feel that maybe I will be too old to start anything new. 

Oh but there is hope!  There is the idea that there is someone out there who will find me worthy of love and attention.  Who will want to be with me and won't entertain another on their phone.  Someone who thinks I am enough and not keep me as a bookmark until something better comes along.  Someone who WILL spend the rest of their life with me and not run when the going gets tough but will be a mature adult who will actually communicate with me. There is hope.  And that's all I can ask for. 

He's a Cowardly Lion

Navigating life post Discovery Day (and subsequent Discovery Days) has been nothing short of devastating. My trust in the one person I loved and adored for most of my adult life was not just shattered but pulverized.  The level of betrayal was on so many levels...in so many ways and I ignored all the red flags.  Why?  I consider myself to be a fairly astute person.  I am not so gullible that I believe everything I hear or see, so why was he so able to pull the wool over my eyes for so long?   

He is a master manipulator. A covert narcissist who portrays the image of "Good Guy" and great catch!  He even had some of my friends and family fooled and he carried it so well, all the while, cheating, financially irresponsible with our home and our daughter's future. But eventually it all came crashing down around him as he lost control.  He couldn't keep things secret anymore and suddenly I wised up, started asking questions and went into detective mode.  The confrontation of his affair showed his true self.  The mask came down and he strutted and was PROUD of what he had done.  He felt entitled because he had me in the role of horrible wife and mother.  He created this work of fiction where he was just trying to be a good husband and father.  He turned me into a psychopath and abuser.  He left out hugely important details when telling his side of the story, so that he looked good and I looked bad.   

Over 40 years.  That's how long we'd known each other.  That's how long I have been stupidly in love with him, and the sad sad part is, I still am.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back.  What I want is all the parts of me that he stole, sold and destroyed in our time together. I want my ability to trust unconditionally back.  I want the ability to believe someone when they tell me things.  I want to believe in love again and that I am worthy of love and that I am NOT hard to love.   

He is a coward.  A cowardly lion who tries to act the part of the noble role and puff out his chest in bravado all the while wondering how he can hide.  How he can turn the truth into lies.  How he can cover up his shortcomings.  Who he can blame for what happened.  He snuffs, he gruffs and he roars to distract and redirect.  He answers questions with questions.  He throws out red herrings to distract the focus on the truth and turn the inquisitor (me) toward defense rather than offense.  

Or, he goes completely silent.  He refuses to have conversations. He will sit, with his head down like a child who is guilty of stealing the cookies he was told he couldn't have and wait.  Wait until we tire of trying to have an adult conversation. Until we are unable to continue the energy to fix things.  Until we get so frustrated that we try anything to get him to acknowledge that we are even in the same room.  Then, like the coward he is, he flexes and creates a hurt or an insult to illicit a maniacal response that he can then use as a weapon.  The man who could NEVER remember anything, suddenly has a mind like a steel trap and can quote dates, times, offenses.  But he can't tell me when he told his girlfriend he loved her...just...he did. (Because she told me he did and I had that evidence that he couldn't deny) 

A coward runs from responsibility, accountability.  Instead of being a well-adjusted human being, and discussing the issues, he side-stepped them, deflected them or redirected them back on me. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! Look over there, not here! And then he would run and hide. Instead of facing me, changing his ways, coming to terms with his errors, he blamed me. Told me it was all my fault. Sought solace in another woman’s arms (several, in fact) and did whatever it took to look like the king of the forest instead of the quivering pussy cat that he was.  

He was a coward. Took the easy way out. Run away, rather than stay and make things right. It’s so much easier to pretend it never happened if you don’t have to face it every day. It’s so easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re the King when your subjects aren’t there to remind you of your bad behavior. It’s easier to wipe the slate clean and rewrite the story when the cast is no longer able to defend themselves. 

The Cowardly Lion is now off living a new life with his new pride. He has a fresh start. He can tell his tale of woe without anyone to dispute it. He can readjust his flowerpot crown and claim himself king once again and all his subjects think he is wise and wonderful and such an amazing catch. He won’t acknowledge my existence because I remind him of what really went down. Because I no longer tolerate his bad behavior and I won’t back down because of his bravado. I’m no longer the wide-eyed girl who waited for the scraps he threw at me with eager anticipation. I see him for who he really is; a sad man in a lion’s suit pinned with a medal with the word COURAGE emblazoned on it going around wondering who pulled his tail and curling his hands into fists while shouting “Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up!”. This sad man who quivers and faints at the slightest hint of trouble and runs like hell when given the chance.  

King of his own mind. King of Lies. King of deceit. King of abandonment.  

 

King of the Cheaters.  

 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

Turn and face the stranger...

Changes are great!  Changes are awesome!  Change is constant.

Change is good, when you are gaining.

-New love

-New job

-New house

-New baby

-New...new....new

But what about change where you experience losses?  Not so good, not so fun.

Lately, I have been experiencing loss after loss and its wearing me down.  Loss of my marriage in a sudden and betrayed manner

Loss of my daughter as she goes to school and now to England in the fall.

Loss of my home as I have to sell it

Loss of a beloved dog who I had to make the God awful decision to put her out of her pain. 

Loss like this, one right after the other can cause an emotion of exasperation and defeat.   

We have to continue forward.  Time marches on. The only constant in our lives is change.

Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Let's talk about MIRRORING. It's a technique that Narcissists use to snag new supply.  They create the atmosphere of being your soulmate.  They like everything you like; TV Shows, Music, Sports, Books etc.  They create this sense that you are two perfect little peas in a pod.  You end up feeling euphoric and you can't believe you hit the jackpot!  How did you find this person who fits you so well?  How did you land your soulmate?  

That's exactly what the narcissist wants you to beleive.  You fall hopelessly head over heels in love and the good is just SOOOOO good!  It becomes an addiction.  You want that feeling again and again and they make you work for it.  But then something changes.  After you are reeled in and you trust this person completely, the narc starts to undermine you.  They make you doubt yourself. They make you feel guilty over them not putting in the effort they initially did and make it all your fault.  Somehow, you are doing something wrong.  Somehow, it's your fault that they feel like you aren't enough.  

Then they meet new supply and they mirror them.  At home, your narc becomes someone you don't even know and you can't figure out what happened. The things you used to like together, the narc suddenly has no interest in. The laughs you used to share are now reminders of how lonely you are.  The narc changes for their new supply.  They suddenly like different music, food, TV shows, books or movies.  They dress differently, act differently and even talk differently.  They suddenly have different interests that take them away from you.  Your connection with them dissolves before you and you desperately try to hold on.  But it's all in vain because it was never real. It never really existed. It was all just for show.  

Some narcs can keep the mirroring up for years even decades.  Others its only weeks, before they are bored and move on.  But either way, their supply is left confused and bewildered, wondering WTF happened?  How did I get here?  How did I not see the signs?  You didn't see the signs because they didn't want you to see the signs.  They kept you busy trying to navigate the mental chaos they created so that you didn't notice the way they put all the blame on you so they could abandon you and walk away unencumbered by responsibility for the demise of the relationship.  They tell their victimized story to their new supply to gain their sympathy and to trigger the protectivness so they believe it YOU that is crazy!  The narc even pushes you to the brink so that you will act out of character in a crazy way so they can say, "See what I have to deal with?"

It's only after they are gone that you start to see the BS they fed you on a daily basis.  It's only after they are gone that you finally look in the mirror and see what they have done to you. It's only then that you begin to find the pieces that you lost and start putting yourself back together.  And this is when the narc turns on you and shows you their true self.  The true face of who you have loved and adored.  It's not at all who you thought they were.  They made you fall in love with a version of yourself and then made you feel guilty when you started to question it.  They are master manipulators who make you feel bad for their hurtful and destructive behavior.  You are a psycho beeotch.

But really, what are you?  You are not that broken crazy person the narc wants you to believe that you are.

Just look in the mirror.

Sparkle & Shine

Over the course of the past 6 months or so, I have gotten a couple messages from others who say that I shouldn't be airing my "dirty laundry" out on FB. To a point I agree. I have tried to be less of the scorned wife and more of the one healing, but I guess my post yesterday upset a person who told me I needed to "Get over it." 

I started to reply to them with a generic DON'T LIKE IT KEEP SCROLLING type of answer, but instead I asked myself why this person would say this to me? This person only shows the best side of themselves. Like so many others, only the best of times, only the wins, never the losses. They project a sense of perfection and we all know, you can't have good without bad. But then as I was staring at this person's message to me and trying to think of what to say, another came in. One from a friend who is going through something very similar and feels so alone. Then I remembered the other women who have contacted me, or shared things with me who are all experiencing some sort of hurt and have connected with me over this IMPERFECTION in my life. If my posts makes just ONE of these women feel better, smile or find a way through their day because I shared my struggle, then it's worth all of the naysayers out there who are afraid to share their struggles. It's not shameful to fail, it's shameful to not try. If my story helps someone else, I will tell it. If my journey encourages another to try, I will share it. If my learned lessons help another to understand, I will sing from the mountain tops. 

If you feel it necessary to message me to tell me I am wrong? That's your right. But I will not stop. I will not be quiet. Because I believe that turning something bad in my life into something good, is my obligation to women who have experienced the hurt, betrayal and deceptions that I have. I am not afraid to share my imperfections so that others can heal too. I am not ashamed, or afraid anymore. For too long I was that woman, who sat silent, who didn't tell her story, who should have left the situation YEARS ago but didn't. I was that woman who felt alone, wrong, invisible and unworthy. I was having panic attacks and I became a person I didn't like because of the situation I was in. But now I am healing.

Everyday I find another piece of myself and I glue it back in place. Everyday I create my stained glass window and I am not ashamed of the broken pieces. This is strength. This is my faith. This is the result of others who have stepped up to show me who I am. This is the love that others have been giving to me because that's what you do, you lift up, you support and you let that person know they ARE worthy, they do have value and they are not broken beyond repair. I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and family who have touched my hurt in different ways showing me who I was. People who have known me since I was young who know my worth, my heart and my being. People who drifted away because I isolated myself only to return with a vengeance to surround me and protect me. I am lighting the path for others to follow. I will not blow out my candle because it makes you uncomfortable to see that life is not perfection, but a series of trials that shape us, mold us into who we are. We are the survivors.

I Made it Through the Rain

This nugget came up in my feed on IG today and it just kind of sparked something in me. As I continue this healing journey, sometimes I am forced to stop and turn around and really look back.  In order not to go back to that dark place I was in, I have to look inward so I can learn from the lessons.  All situations provide lessons.  Its up to us to learn from them or ignore them.  So for me, I have been doing a lot of introspection.  What did I contribute?  What did I tolerate?  What did I ignore?

There were a lot of red flags that I ignored.  Lies, betrayal, emails from his coworker and evasive conversations.  All signs I should have picked up.  There were a few times he showed his TRUE self.  Like when my mother died and the weeks leading up to her death.  But I ignored them.  I didn't address them in the moment.  I allowed it to happen. 

At the end, the last 6 years of our "marriage", he was telling me loud and clear he was done with me.  He withdrew, he focused on his new supply giving her EVERYTHING I wanted, needed and was begging for.  He did this without mercy all the while trying to keep up his NICE GUY facade.  But people saw it.  People noticed.  And now that he is on the way out of my life, they are telling me how they felt.  People coming back to me after having stayed away because of him.  The most used word I hear is "Self-centered" or "Disengenuous"  and the worst one, "Creepy" (because of the way he would be constantly checking out other women and *ugh* girls)  Its family, friends, old teammates or coaches.  I'm being told of how he acted when I wasn't around or what he would say behind my back.  Things that husband's shouldn't do or say...but he did.  And while its shocking, it's not unexpected.

Information such as this just reinforces the red flags that I ignored.  But when you are dealing with a narcissit like this, you are undermined constantly.  Made to feel badly about yourself and your worth.  All the things he said he loved about me became fodder for ammunition later. He  became jealous of the things I did and the successes I had.  He would stay away more and more so I was forced to pick up the slack and soon ... bit by bit, all my external activities dried up and I was forced to stay home more.  I didn't even notice the isolation was happening until one day, after we separated, I realized all that I had given up.  How?  Because it was all coming back to me.  

In the 3 months since he has moved out, I have had more friends over, dinners, parties, game nights than we have had in nearly our entire marriage.  I am going out more with friends I had lost - because of him.  There is a peace that is overcoming me.  I am not afraid of my future and I no longer feel LONELY, yet I am alone.  At the end, he made sure I felt lonely, unwanted, ignored, dismissed and invisible.  To the point even my daughter noticed. 

But what I am hearing now from people is this.  "You look lighter!"  "There is a sparkle in your eyes again." "You're smiling more"  "You're getting back to the Lori I knew."

It's such a sad, but liberating feeling to know that I am able to reclaim who I was.  The person who was fun and had fun.  The person who was involved and was an example and took on responsibilities and helped.  

I am reclaiming all those things I lost while with him.  Things that made me who I am, people who loved me for who I am.  The narrative that he kept telling me, that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, lovable enough, worthy enough to be in his life anymore.  I was disgusting and I was a horrible wife and mother.  He undermined my confidence by staying out without explanation and making me feel toxic because I wanted some accountability.  His duplicity was his shame but he justified it by blaming me. I became the villian.  

But each day takes me further away from all of that.  It takes me toward healing and liberation and a single, but not lonely life.   It's time to put away the unbrellas.  I made it through the rain. 

Counting Blessings

I'm at the store and I get a notification that a package has been delivered. Im confused because I hadnt ordered anything...I already got my Chewy order for the dogs...hmmmm.

I get home, I retrieved said box and saw who it was from and about burst into tears. I hoped! I hoped so much and it was! A beautiful basket made by my dear friend Clayton. So amazing! And in true granola fashion, he padded the bottom with wine corks.

Repurpose!  

I am so grateful for the kindness of my amazing and wonderful friends. I am blessed in ways I didnt realize I had. Thank you just doesnt seem enough.

It made me stop and think.  There are people who are like leaves, only there for a season and usually turn colors before they drop off.  Then there are others who are in for the long haul and earn a place to sit at your table.  People who make you laugh.  Make you whole and lift you rather than tear you down.  They love you and take time to fill the broken parts of you with gold.  They make you stronger in spite of the chips and cracks.  These are the people we keep in our lives.  These are the people that keep you rooted so that when the winds blow, you dont fall over.

My blessings are found in these people who have come back into my life despite the fact I had kept them away because of my situation.  They came back anyway because they know me.  They know who I am and know I am not what my ex and his family want me to believe.  They are the reason I am able to make it through this change in my life.  It was a change I didnt want. A change I fought so hard to avoid.  But you cant make someone love you.  Little did I know there were others out there waiting to give me the blessing of their love.  They are there.  You just have to be open to them and receive the love they give you.  

KTD or Highway to Hell?

Made the mistake of turning on the TV and not paying attention to what was on. I usually have it on for noise.  But today Armageddon was on.  I was in the kitchen, I had just fed the dogs and was unloading the dishwasher when I heard this song.  May as well have gut-punched me.  This was the song he used to reel me in.  The song that he said he played when he missed me.  The song that was OUR song.  He even put it on a mix CD that he made for me...1st song and titled the CD KTD...Knowing The Difference.   Because (he said) with me, he knew the difference between what he thought was love, and what was REAL love.  

It was hard to breathe.  I fought those damned tears with everything I had because I wasn't going to waste them on HIM.  He doesn't deserve them. He doesn’t deserve my pain, my hurt.  I will fight them with everything I have. For 5 years I allowed him to treat me like I was unworthy, like I was invisible, unloveable, and broken.  I am NONE of those things!  I refuse to allow the narrative of him and his mother to infiltrate my head.  They don't pay rent so it's time to evict them.  

I am done being his victim.  I am a strong, amazing, loveable woman who deserves better than what he gave me.