Happy Easter

I am spendidng Easter alone today.  Daughter's Spring break didn't fall during a time where she would be home for the holiday and she will be home next week for her birthday.  So not a basket or bunny in sight today.  No chocolates or Jelly Beans.  Just me and Harry Potter.  I have been spending the weekend doing some repairs to make the house less scary for sale.  Things I am able to do, albeit, not very well, but all the same, better. 

Tonight I am going over to a friend's house for dinner.  I am bringing my cheesy potatoes.  As I was preparing the dish for the oven, I started to think about what is on the horizon.  Looking at all that is around my house and wondering...Do I REALLY need this?  Three cheers for  minimalist living. 

My ex is being a jerk.  Not unexpected.  He is creating situations to try to make me look bad to the judge.  But this time, he kind of got to me a little.  Probably because the END is so much closer than before.  I think too much when I am alone.  I over-think really.  And as I dropped the ladder on my pinky toe and started to cry because...damn that hurt...I cursed out my STBX.  All the shit he should have been doing around the house, but didn't because he was spending all of his time with someone else.  All the shit that he should have been helping me with he isn't.  He doesn't have to do a damned thing.  But that was my choice.  They don't tell you this when you get exclusive use of the house for the protection of your sanity.  But this shouldn't be happening at all.  We should be entering our golden years planning things like trips, remodeling, outings.   But no.  He decided he wanted to do that with someone else's wife. He got a bigwig job so he doesn't need me anymore for income.  Don't I feel used?

I wasn't enough for him.  I wasn't worthy of him and his mother.  I was replaced and discarded and it took me so long to figure out that no matter what I did, it didn't matter.  He was done with me.  I was of no use to him.  He has his future planned.  He has a place to live.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  

A woman over 40 who isn't America's Top Model, will not be able to find someone.  Especially in today's world where dating apps are just full of scammers and catfish and it's all just high school all over again.  I didn't fair that well in High Shcool.  So I don't think I am going to be doing the dating app thing.

It all boils down to this.  The whole time he was telling me that I was not worthy or enough, he was actually telling me he wasn't man enough or strong enough for me.  I actually expected loyalty, accountability and to be the ONE and ONLY in his life.  Shame on me.  But the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  And so here we are. 

Happy Easter.  

"Why do ye seek the living among the dead? He is not here. He is Risen!"