I am a horrible person.
You see, I have gone no contact with my STBX. After his treatment towards me whenever I have texted him asking questions (ignoring me completely to outright hostility in response) regarding the house that I am trying to get ready for sale, it is healthier for me to not communicate with him at all. Add to this atrocious behavior on my part, the fact that our daughter has also gone no contact with him, he is absolutely beside himself.
He tells people that it's all my fault that our daughter won't speak to him. That I am a total and complete Beeotch for not having any communication with him at all. He is especially upset with me because I had to put our 14 year old dog down because she was in so much pain and had become incontinent and I had some friends text him that I had to do this. He is absolutely furious with me, feeling he should have been there. I should have let him know. He should have been included in the decision! How dare I! Sorry, but he gave up all rights to anything when he filed.
I know he hates that I have cut him off. He operated under the delusion that we would "remain friends" and we would have a friendly divorce - cuz you know, it would make him look good. I think he thought I would try to hang onto any type of contact with him. After all, since we were kids, I was the perpetual puppy dog that would follow him around. I stuck around for five full years after finding out about his affair with his mom's best friend. I begged, I pleaded, I fought and I tried so hard. But he was done with me.
The secret tho? Its not the way he treats me really that I have cut him off. It's because I don't want to know him anymore. I don't want to know how wonderful his life is without me, or that he's getting engaged, or remarried or living it up. I don't want to know that he is happier that I am not in his life and that everything I went through with him was just a lie. It's easier to pretend that he doesn't exist anymore. That this hurt, this devastation I feel isn't because he chose someone over me. It's so hard to explain. I feel like I've completely lost my mind.
I am doing my best to find the path that leads me to healing. Most days, I carefully trod down this road and I feel pretty normal. But then there are days where I find something, or facebook brings up a memory and he's in it or something happens and I want to tell him about it...and I wind up feeling totally lost, totally alone and completely shattered.
This past weekend I was at my daughter's university to attend a fundraiser. Her volunteers and friends were there to hug me, to welcome me, call me "Mom" and treat me like a queen. Afterwards, I asked my daughter why? Why were there such accolades? She said "Mom, you have this presence that everyone responds to. You're loving, you're giving and you accept everyone. People see that and return it. Why does it confuse you?" I said, "Because I gave my all to the one person in my life I thought was forever and it wasn't enough." She said, "You've been starved of love and affection for so long, it's now foreign to you."
Wow. That hit home.
So, you see, I'm not being rude. I am protecting myself. There is a difference. If setting a boundary and sticking to it makes me a Beeotch, then fine. But I gave 1000% and then some to this marriage and to be tossed aside like trash was almost more than I could bear. I don't need to know that everything is wonderful without me. I already know that it is because he didn't love me, he used me. I know I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't any more horrible than any other wife and I didn't do anything like he'd done. I don't want to be the voodoo doll that he pokes with his pin of living his best life. I just want to heal, fix myself and move forward. I want to live in a world where he no longer exists and can no longer hurt me. I just want peace. Too bad that bruises his ego. I'm still recovering from my bruises.
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