One of the most frustrating things about trying to have heavy conversations with my Nex is that they never happened. He would clam up, deflect, turn things around on me and create chaos until I backed down. I would be hurting and wanting to try to resolve the issue, but he would act like nothing was wrong, nothing happened and then tell me I was wrong for carrying this on. So things never got resolved. No change was ever made (unless it was me changing) and if he had to do something he would placate me for a day or two then go right back to the hurtful behavior, starting the cycle over again.
Living in this constant loop of lather, rinse, repeat wears on a person. Causes cognitive dissonance and puts a wedge between partners. Issues never get resolved, they just get swept under the rug until a mountain has grown and the rug cannot hide anything more.
I just remember the constant feelings of frustration and dismissal and feeling like I was always the one over-reacting. I wanted to deal with things, fix them, but he didn't. He just wanted to pretend it didn't exist and maybe it would just go away. Pretend normal.
This wore on me to the point that it got so bad that the only way I could get his attention to deal with SERIOUS problems, was to literally jump up and down and scream. If I tried to talk calmly or rationally, I was ignored. This, of course, escalated until I gave him what he wanted...a crazy MF'er of a wife. Played right into his victimhood of abused husband. And after one of these fights - which were always one sided - he would resume his life as if nothing ever happened. He'd never acknowledge the issue, ask how I was feeling about it, was it resolved...nothing. Just make himself breakfast and go about his day like any other day. Meanwhile, I'm still reeling from the fact that I was totally dismissed, blamed or gaslit. I could barely look at him, let alone get warm fuzzies. But he was ok with it. He was totally ok with the turmoil and dissonance he caused.
I have spent the better part of 18 months learning how to constructively deal with situations. How to handle my emotions again and to rejoin sanity. I should have walked away. I should have realized that this was a no win situation. That no matter what I did, it wasn't going to be the "correct" way to handle things because what I was doing was pointing out hurtful behavior that he caused and of course, it was never his fault. It would never resolve because Narcissists never practice introspection. They have a perfect image of themselves and reject any different view. There will never be a true apology or constructive change in them. They will always deflect. For a sane person dealing with this, there will never be closure or logical explanation. You will have to come to terms with just knowing, you did all you could do and nothing would ever change the outcome.
The narc always gets their way.
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