I don't know why this is hitting so hard tonight. My neighbor is closing and leaving tomorrow. He has already had the movers come and he is essentially gone.
I resisted letting him in. But without my permisssion, I did anyway. And now I am paying the price. There is a part of me that believes once he is gone...that's it. Because, whatever this is, meant more to me than to him. My dog had a better relationship than I did.
When your dog teaches you how to open up again and you're still too afraid to take that step because you still feel too broken, too hurt to allow anyone in, to trust anyone ever again, you wonder if you will ever heal enough to let love in.
But then you realize this person is the very first post narc friend you have allowed into your home and that you unwittingly trusted with a key so he can take care of your dog while you are away and you finally understand that you have already unlocked the door but have yet to step through it.
And now, it's too late.
It wasn't until now that I realized that he made living here bearable. That I looked forward to seeing his car parked next to mine. That I would smile when I heard his patio door open, knowing he would talk to me. I'm going to miss those chats.
I'm going to miss him.
And yet another change in my life that leaves me alone because I'm too afraid to trust openly, or be more open, sooner.
I miss the companionship. The interaction. Being the reason someone smiles. I miss being someone's person.
And yet...I still can't open that door.
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