To the men that love women after heartbreak And to the tears they catch but didn't make 'em fall

Trying to love, or even LIKE after narcissist abuse is challenging at best.  For me, keeping my past in the past is proving to be difficult with someone who only knows I was in a bad relationship before.  I don't like to talk about it with him because I don't want that to be my "excuse".  So I am learning to deal with triggers and emotions myself and trying to remember....He is not my ex.

My neighbor friend (yes, ok, its a crush) has been really good for me to dip my toe in the water.  He is just enough to play nice with, but not get too serious about.  We have a really fun relationship.  We like to joke and laugh.  My dog is absolutely gaga for him and he makes me aware of that each time we are together. 

However, yesterday, he triggered me - totally by accident - and I had to take a step back. I could feel myself getting defensive and had to quickly reel in the emotions or risk a bad reaction.  I came so very close.  TOO close. 

He truly was just playing with me, but this is exactly what my ex would do to keep me off kilter.  He would cover up his lies, pretend I "missed" something or didn't pay attention, when in reality, it never happened.  He would make it so I thought I was losing my ever loving mind. So when my neighbor did this, my reaction was instinctual and I immediately went into defensive mode.  It took everything I had to try to pull out of it and joke back, but I don't think it came off that way and I feel horrible that this scar that my ex left me with, caused this reaction.  I don't think my neighbor noticed, and if he did, he didn't let on, but I noticed and I am SO glad it wasn't in person...because he would have seen the tears, the red face and the set jaw.  He would have seen me pacing and racking my brain...Was it there before?  Did I really NOT notice it?  No!  It wasn't there the other night when I watered...he is WRONG!  And (deep breath) Girl, calm the F down.  He's playing with you. He's NOT your ex.  

Just another example of just how far I thought I had come, and how I really haven't.  You can think you have moved passed something like this only to have it smack you right between the eyes. Thankfully, this was all through text and I was able to deal with it without him being right there.  It could have been much different depending on how he was acting but it also could have been worse.   I would have been forced to admit the trauma from my past and I don't know that I want to do that yet...not with him. I am sure he would be amazingly understanding, but I don't want that black cloud over this amazing friendship we have. And maybe that's all a part of the trust issue I have right now.  Afraid it will be used against me later, so I keep it close. 

Why?

Because this is what I learned that someone who supposedly loves you will do to you.

And that makes me sad.