Father of mine Tell me, how do you sleep? With the children you abandoned

The one thing I cannot let go of is my anger toward the Nex for abandoning his daughter.  He didn't try to fight for her, he tried to manipulate her.  He wanted her to take his side and when she didn't, he just walked away.

Days like today hit hard.  The last time I helped her on move in day was right after we found out about his secret filing for divorce.  When he called the police on our daughter for protecting me, and lying to her about the reason he filed, she was done.  

She banned him from going with us on move in day.  When I got back home,  he yelled at me for not sharing pictures or for keeping him informed.  He was pissed because we had friends help us instead of him.  

As the divorce proceeded, I asked him if he would have a place for our daughter in his new home.   He said no.  I asked if he would make room in his new life for her and again, he said no.  Why should he?  She's not even talking to him.  I stared at him...so angry.  Um, because she is your daughter?    

So he had it written into the MSA that I was completely financially responsible for her for as long as she lived with me.  

So today...because last school year she was at Oxford in the UK, we went back to her school and did the move in together...just us two.  And it triggered me a bit and stirred up that anger again.  How he has walked away Scot free and with ZERO responsibility,  either financial or emotional.  He hasn't messaged her, tried to contact her, make sure she is all set, does she need anything? 

Yes...she needed a lot!  A new computer, repairs to her car (gear box, brakes, alternator, belt) so she has a safe vehicle to drive, shoes,  clothes, supplies for the school year.  But he hasn't contributed to anything since he left in November of 2023. He is off with his new supply with absolutely nothing to tie him down and putting all the responsibility on me.

But should this surprise me?  He did this with his son.   When she remarried, he left everything to her and her new husband.  Oddly enough his son has a closer relationship with his step dad than his bio dad.

So as I followed behind my daughter as we drove down the highway, I cried.  I cried because she shouldn't be feeling abandoned by her own father.  She shouldn't have to feel like she would rather he be dead than what he is....missing by choice.

To all my fellow moms who have to do this alone and are doing everything you can to keep your child from suffering because of an absent father, I see you.  I hear you.  I get you.  But we are keeping it together and we don't need them.  We can do this without them.  

They are missing out on so much...but they don't care.  It doesn't suit their narrative.

If you want forever...I bet you do!

Ah, Debra G.   The woman who told me how TIGHT she'd gotten with MY husband.  Informed me how MY marriage was over.  How SHE knew all about our problems and what a $h!t wife and mother I was.   She tried to befriend my daughter (who absolutely wanted NOTHING to do with her), showed up at one of her tournaments and proceeded to shut ME out of conversations with my husband, MIL, and BIL.  She told me how she has dinners with my MIL every Friday night and that she was VERY close with her.   She was stamped with the seal of approval from the ex's mother and encouraged to break up the marriage.  Calculated and devious, the Narcissistic Mother carried out her plan to complete her coven like the witch she is. 

But Debra is eligible to collect SSI and retire.  Why not latch on to a younger man who can continue to work while she lives a life of leisure without kids to drag them down?  Her new man has abandoned his daughter both emotionally and financially, pursuing his own neanderthal wants and needs.  He did his "duty" until she was 18...why should he continue?

Imagining her thinking she won the jackpot...and maybe she has.  Maybe she will attain her life of leisure that he will provide for her.  Maybe that's all she wants from him...but at what cost?  She selfishly latched onto him and created this "connection" and fed into his narc ego.  She made him believe she was everything I wasn't.  That SHE was his true soulmate and they finally found each other. 

But he was taken.  He was married....as was she!  They destroyed TWO families for their selfish wants and needs.  

Well, she can have him.  She can pick up his skid marked underwear, all his clothing that he leaves around, the gum he leaves on the counter, the crumbs from the toast he won't clean up.  She can deal with his pouty silence when she doesn't perform his porn dream in the bedroom.  She can do EVERYTHING to keep the relationship running once he finally gets her to himself and feels like he doesn't have to do anything anymore. She can deal with his secrets, his lies, his need for constant ego inflation. 

They deserve each other. 

Every brick every board every slamming door, blown away...

The Nex used to have such a great relationship with our daughter.  I used to be so happy that she had the relationship I always wanted with my father.  He was there for her.  He was present for her.  But then I started to notice things.  Things that began to concern me.  How he would latch onto something and it would become HIS thing to do with her, even tho maybe I started the tradition, like a Christmas outing to Marshall Fields or the Nutcracker.  Or her birthday off from school and we would go somewhere. 

He pushed her into comic books, Marvel, DC and would sometimes get her into characters with storylines that were too old for her.  She was only 4.  

When she started Archery, I was the one who took her to her lessons and paid for her rentals etc.  When it came time to get her her own equipment, he took that over and did it without me. It wasn't until she started winning tournaments that he became more involved in her day to day lessons.  Half the time, it was all on me.  I was the involved mom.  I was a Girl Scout Leader, I was the PTO VP, I was  the volunteer during my off months and I was the one who was at every single Parent/Teacher conference, school concert or field trip. He meanwhile started missing concerts, conferences and he never volunteered for a classroom or a field trip. 

When he started the affair with Debra, his family became low priority. All of his time, money and effort went into Debra.  Our daughter was lucky to see him for an hour or so on the weekend.  He stopped doing things with her. He missed things, unless it suited his hero dad complex.  He also tried to pit her against me, much like his mother did by telling her I was a liar. 

He tried to get our daughter to like and accept Debra, but that didn't happen.  So when the finality of the divorce came, it was of no surprise that he had no plans for his daughter in his future life.  When I asked if he would be someplace where she could come visit or stay with him, he said no.  I asked if he ever planned to hold space for her, and he said...NO!

So why was it such a surprise to him when after the finalization of the divorce that she came with me?  Maybe because I made space for her in my  life?  I continued to be her parent?  I made sure she had somewhere she could call home? Instead, he would go to her job and stand there and stare at her. Hoping she would say something.  It got to the point she had an action plan to avoid him.  Her boss had the pharmacy contact him to tell him he had to move his prescription to another location. 

Now he tells people that she isn't his biological child.  

Father of the year...

He wants me If he can keep me in line

One of the biggest common denominators among Narcissistic abuse survivors is the issue of manipulation and control.  EVERYTHING a narc does is related to controlling the narrative, painting the facade to reflect a perfectly charming and wonderful human and to keep their partner in line.  

When I discovered the exNarc's affair, I confronted him about it. The deflection and blame shifting and the lack of remorse or even concern about how he'd damaged our family and hurt me.  He didn't care. He actually felt justified in what he was doing.  I remember that day and how for over 5 hours he told me everything that was wrong with me, that I had done to MAKE him have this affair.  How WONDERFUL Debra was and how she got him, understood him and made him feel ALIVE.  A woman that his mother hand picked for him to move on with.  

However, because I had been in love with him since I was 16, and we were 15 years into a marriage and had a 15 year old in the house still, I tried to work on our marriage.  Correct myself and find ways to fix things.  Things I DID NOT BREAK!  He did nothing.  There was no effort from him, not even a genuine or heartfelt apology.  However, he gave me little pseudo apologies.  Apologies that seemed like they were genuine but were in fact an effort to shut me the hell up. 

When his arrogance got the better of him and a year and a half later my daughter discovered a secret phone and a card for Debra in his car, I felt duped, used and totally idiotic.  But by this time, I was now trauma bonded and he had me believing I would lose everything, including my daughter.  He would set me up for arguments and play the victim so well, I wondered how horrible of a human I must be.  He would corner me in the closet, the bathroom or the kitchen and get in my face in a means to intimidate me into submission.  

But as the years went on (all 5 of them) I would waffle between taking all the blame and trying to hold him accountable.  I actually felt that if I took the blame, he would apologize and do the work to get us back on track.  His family shut me and my daughter out with the silent treatment in an effort to slap me back in line.  The exMIL went behind my back to my daughter to tell her I was lying about her father.  Which backfired because she was there when her father admitted to everything (and then proceeded to blame me for it).  The narrative kept changing to suit their image. 

So when our daughter held them accountable (which was then twisted into her taking my side OR me poisoning her) they disowned her.  They no longer send her Christmas or Birthday gifts or even help her out with college (her dad has completely abandoned her in every way in favor of his new supply).  

Through the divorce process he attempted to control me through suddenly wanting to be friends, or be civil, all the while wanting me to be compliant to his every whim or accept his excuses or his rudeness.  He expected me to still prepare dinner for him or buy his groceries. He still expected me to say I LOVE YOU.  His methods of controlling me were over once I found out about the divorce filing.  I had no more reason to fight.  As it went on, I began to wonder if him filing for divorce was a means to control me again, expecting me to fall apart and beg him for another chance.  When it didn't happen.  When I went silent. When I no longer fought for us, he finally snapped and the mask came off. The cruel, angry part of him lashed out at me until the Police stayed with me for half an hour after he'd been asked to leave because he'd gotten aggressive with me and the dispatcher on the phone heard him threaten me. The police pleaded with me to get an order of protection.  When he was served with that, he finally took his ring off, then proceeded to blame me saying that I killed whatever love he had for me by doing that. 

It has taken almost 2 years post separation to finally see, it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve what he gave me.  He spews about the reactive abuse he endured after he would prod me into reacting, and I have come to terms with my loss of control and have learned skills to combat that, but a part of me believes I will never use them because that's not who I am.  

If he was ever right about one thing, it's this.   We were not good for each other....meaning HE was not good for ME. 

I'm walking on sunshine

The world becomes a place of beauty, happiness is found in the smallest of things. Laughter instead of anger when something goes wrong or stopping to watch a bee gather pollen. Life sparkles again.  

Never again will I allow someone to make me feel inferior, wrong or unworthy. I know my worth. I know who I am again and my past has made me who I am... strong, independent and sassy! 

Can't handle me? Move aside because...Im coming through anyway!

Do you really want to hurt me?

After I found out about his secret plan of filing for divorce and waiting until our daughter went back to school to have me served at work a month later, he suddenly wanted to be friends. He wanted to do dinner together, go see a movie, spend time together. No. I wanted no part of that. 

 For 3 days he tried to hoover me back in, but at this point I was so hurt by everything that I just wanted no part of him. It was a slap in the face after years of trying to get us back on track that he had this diabolical exit strategy planned now that he was no longer on the hook for child support.

When I refused his efforts and locked myself away from him, he switched to angry, cruel and hurtful. It was like watching someone being possessed. When he got aggressive with me, I filed an order of protection. But the judge ordered him to leave the house and then told me to change the locks. Which I did. I also had a half dozen friends which included a county correctional officer with me all day while he moved out. But at the end, he couldn't resist one more aggressive behavior. 

He found out really quick... my friends will protect me and that they weren't afraid to throw his a$$ in jail. Badge and gun were flashed along with a threat to arrest for assaulting an officer. I watched his fists clench as he left with his brother. 

I watched a stranger leave that day. And shuddered at the thought that I slept next to him nightly... someone who was capable of this tirade and threatened my safety so easily. 

I was devestated. 

The truth is all that I can hear Every time you lie

I didn't want this for my daughter. I didn't want her to ever feel about her father like I do mine. 

It started out so good. Seemed like she was going to have an amazing relationship with her dad! Then we found out how he'd betrayed us... yes us. Because his affairs weren't just betrayals of me. They betrayed her too. His porn, his lies, his behavior destroyed his relationship with both of us. But he will always blame me. Tell himself that I poisoned her against him. 

But he will never look at himself, his behavior. And now.... the final nail to sever any hope of reconciling with his daughter. To serve his narrative and to keep his facade, he has now claimed she isn't his. He has fabricated a fairytale that I got pregnant by someone else and told him it was his to trap him. I'm so angry that he would hurt her this way. He knows this isn't true. Just like when he tried to tell people she wasn't mine, that I was her stepmother. But this is how desperate this 59.5 year old narc is. It's the only way to clear the black mark from his portrait of perfection.  

But it's never his fault.