One of the biggest common denominators among Narcissistic abuse survivors is the issue of manipulation and control. EVERYTHING a narc does is related to controlling the narrative, painting the facade to reflect a perfectly charming and wonderful human and to keep their partner in line.
When I discovered the exNarc's affair, I confronted him about it. The deflection and blame shifting and the lack of remorse or even concern about how he'd damaged our family and hurt me. He didn't care. He actually felt justified in what he was doing. I remember that day and how for over 5 hours he told me everything that was wrong with me, that I had done to MAKE him have this affair. How WONDERFUL Debra was and how she got him, understood him and made him feel ALIVE. A woman that his mother hand picked for him to move on with.
However, because I had been in love with him since I was 16, and we were 15 years into a marriage and had a 15 year old in the house still, I tried to work on our marriage. Correct myself and find ways to fix things. Things I DID NOT BREAK! He did nothing. There was no effort from him, not even a genuine or heartfelt apology. However, he gave me little pseudo apologies. Apologies that seemed like they were genuine but were in fact an effort to shut me the hell up.
When his arrogance got the better of him and a year and a half later my daughter discovered a secret phone and a card for Debra in his car, I felt duped, used and totally idiotic. But by this time, I was now trauma bonded and he had me believing I would lose everything, including my daughter. He would set me up for arguments and play the victim so well, I wondered how horrible of a human I must be. He would corner me in the closet, the bathroom or the kitchen and get in my face in a means to intimidate me into submission.
But as the years went on (all 5 of them) I would waffle between taking all the blame and trying to hold him accountable. I actually felt that if I took the blame, he would apologize and do the work to get us back on track. His family shut me and my daughter out with the silent treatment in an effort to slap me back in line. The exMIL went behind my back to my daughter to tell her I was lying about her father. Which backfired because she was there when her father admitted to everything (and then proceeded to blame me for it). The narrative kept changing to suit their image.
So when our daughter held them accountable (which was then twisted into her taking my side OR me poisoning her) they disowned her. They no longer send her Christmas or Birthday gifts or even help her out with college (her dad has completely abandoned her in every way in favor of his new supply).
Through the divorce process he attempted to control me through suddenly wanting to be friends, or be civil, all the while wanting me to be compliant to his every whim or accept his excuses or his rudeness. He expected me to still prepare dinner for him or buy his groceries. He still expected me to say I LOVE YOU. His methods of controlling me were over once I found out about the divorce filing. I had no more reason to fight. As it went on, I began to wonder if him filing for divorce was a means to control me again, expecting me to fall apart and beg him for another chance. When it didn't happen. When I went silent. When I no longer fought for us, he finally snapped and the mask came off. The cruel, angry part of him lashed out at me until the Police stayed with me for half an hour after he'd been asked to leave because he'd gotten aggressive with me and the dispatcher on the phone heard him threaten me. The police pleaded with me to get an order of protection. When he was served with that, he finally took his ring off, then proceeded to blame me saying that I killed whatever love he had for me by doing that.
It has taken almost 2 years post separation to finally see, it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve what he gave me. He spews about the reactive abuse he endured after he would prod me into reacting, and I have come to terms with my loss of control and have learned skills to combat that, but a part of me believes I will never use them because that's not who I am.
If he was ever right about one thing, it's this. We were not good for each other....meaning HE was not good for ME.
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