My heart told me once before to find my dream and search no more

 

These past few weeks have been SO busy.  Decorating for Christmas, taking advantage of my daughter being at school to shop for her, a Christmas party or two and a grooming visit for Lucy.  As if I didn't have enough, we adopted a 7 month old kitten.  We have changed her name to Elphie from Luna (let me get that jingle stuck in your head - 773-202-LUNA) and have been assembling litter boxes, a cat condo, a cat tree and figuring out where she will stay while  she gets used to the house when we're not home. 

Christmas cards have been sent to the short list of just a few that I send to older relatives and immediate family, and a few new and special friends.  I feel back to my old self with the holidays and now am busy meal planning and baking.  

Christmas Eve afternoon, D and I will make our annual trek to a bookstore where we will pour over books and choose a couple for reading.  We will go get tacos and chocolate and then head home to watch Christmas movies while reading and then we will go to church and when we get back home, open gifts near midnight.  I will actually have something going in the fireplace this year and I have a furnace, which I didn't last year.  Last year was the lowest of lows and this year, new friends, D is home and a new member of the family are all making this holiday season wonderful and special. 

My heart has found Christmas once again.

Come on over, it's Thanksgiving Day

 

What a difference a year makes, eh?  This year, D was home.  This year, we had plans.  This year, we were happy in our home and were content to watch the parade, be lazy and work in the kitchen to make dinner. We made new traditions; like spatchcocking the turkey, and kept old ones, like the pineapple jello and green bean casserole, and we ate, and laughed and enjoyed until we passed out. 

Thanksgiving is more than just a day, it's 4 days of entertainment, decorating and family time.  D came home on Tuesday night, so it was even longer!  Even Lucy-fer was in doggie heaven.  Christmas movies were watched, WICKED: FOR GOOD was attended and stores were visited.  Visits by the crush and then later silly texts.  It was an all around good time.  And not at any time, did my ex infiltrate my thoughts....until Sunday night.

Sunday night, we were all loaded into the car, D driving and as we rounded the corner from the underground garage, I spotted an all too familiar figure...and he spotted the car and with his grumpy WHO FARTED face, he locked eyes with me through the window.  I started laughing and D was like, "Mom!  Was that....?"

"Yup."

"Can I stick my hand out the window and flip him off?"

I shook my head, "No.  Just let it go."

But I giggled continuously for a good half hour afterwards.  It is nice to know he still has that constipated, grumpy, pissed off look with out me in his life.  Meanwhile, we went about our trip back to D's school laughing and talking and having a grand old time. Even dinner at Sonic was an adventure.  The only drawback was that we had to leave D at her dorm while we drove back.  Lucy-fer was so mad that we left D behind that she ignored me the rest of the night. 

10 days and she's right back with us, so I only have a precious few days to wrap secret gifts before she gets home. 

As I laid in bed last night, the image of him turning to look at us as we drove by and the look on his face as he locked eyes with me, was just enough for me to fall asleep with a big ol' smile on my face.  

Happy Thanksgiving. 

I heard that your dreams came true, Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you

Today I found out that back in May, the ex and twatwaffle bought a "house" They used her friend who is a realtor to find this place. Its 2x the cost of my condo, less sqft and 2x the taxes. Mr. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF A YARD...has a yard.

I've been crying all day. See. We struggled financially throughout our marriage. I worked in the green industry which was mostly seasonal...but I got unemployment for the 3.5 months I was off. When he finally got a great paying job, he chooses twatwaffle. Our chance to breathe easier was dashed...until I found out about all his secrets and how he manipulated me.

Back when we started thinking about buying a house, we didn't go together. He found it...signed papers and THEN brought me to see it. Did the same with a car. We never did things together it was always him deciding what HE needed and then lumped me in.

But they did this together and I am betting the ONLY REASON HER SHIT ASSED NAME isn't on the mortgage is because she was still married when this deal went down. Couldn't have that considered as part of her martial assets, right?  It's a foreclosure property in bad shape.  But he paid a PREMIUM price for the house and the value in the area has already dropped over $40K.  So he's losing money on a house that was sold for foreclosure....how odd considering how many times OUR house was on the chopping block because all his money (money for the mortgage) was going to finance his affair. 

And you ask, why am I upset? Because she is living MY forever with him. OUR dreams, OUR wants and OUR plans are now THEIRS ... and dammit it hurts like hell. When he got that job, I wasn't worthy enough to continue the ride. I was good enough when he made in 12 months what I made in 9. But now he is giving her what I was supposed to be getting at this stage in our life together. And I am feeling all the unworthiness and devaluation and shortfalls that he put on me in the end. I'm not good enough. I'm disposable. I'm trash.

And I'm angry at myself because I shouldn't feel this way. I should know better. I should be over this. But I'm sitting here sobbing like I did when I first found out about his affair. That gut wrenching cry that leaves you empty...and all the good is out of the world again.

And our scars remind us that the past is real

 

Sometimes during my therapy sessions, I would get a bit overconfident about getting past all the emotional and mental manipulation trauma I went through.  I would feel good about going a week, two weeks without any type of trigger or breakdown.  But my guide would always smirk and say, “It will show up when you least expect it.”  And that rings true.

It shows up when I have to remember a conversation with a customer.  At first, I am confident about what was said, but then, I question myself, I doubt myself.  Did I say this?  Or did I say that?  Then I begin to overthink things and down the rabbit hole I go.

It shows up when I go to retrieve something in my home and it’s not where I thought it was.  Living alone, no one else could have moved it but me.  But sometimes the panic kicks in.  Because when I was married to the narc, things would disappear, and others would get blamed. 

It shows up when a friend jokes with me that they told me something I know they didn’t and I get overly defensive about it.

It shows up when someone tells me they are going to do something, and it doesn’t happen.  The NOT good enough feelings hit and I have to talk myself down.

Little everyday things that can trigger that trauma response. 

Little everyday things that sometimes, I have to stop and take a breath and reset. 

Little everyday things that will cause fear or tears that hit so fast I don’t even know its happening…until it is.

Little everyday scars that he left behind and I am desperately trying to heal.

And sometimes, it’s someone I really care about that inadvertently causes a trigger and I have to excuse myself to deal with the emotions leaving friends and family wondering what is going on.

It’s been 2 years since he was ordered to move out and 1 year since I last ever had contact with him.  You would think that I would be past this.  But I had over 20+ years of manipulation by him and his family….longer if you count the time back to high school when I first met him.  I’m always disappointed when something triggers me. It makes me feel like he still has a hold on me as if I were a puppet to be controlled.  But as time puts a space between us, I’m confident that one day, I will be free of the scars that seem to open at the slightest touch.

Now, listen to me. All you need You already own

And suddenly...

Perfectly said right here. Its going to take a pretty amazing connection to pull me from this safe space. Not even a dual income is worth the heartbreak. 

This week, crush was pretty amazing. But when it came down to it...its all the same game. Having to prove I am good enough. He is far gentler with that then the ex ever was, but in some ways its still there. 

I've been alone 2 years now...and I have learned to enjoy my own company. I'm happiest when my daughter is home, when friends are over or when I'm fixing things up. But maybe someday, crush will leave or maybe he stays, I don't know...but I know either way, I am going to be ok

I saved my life when I showed you the door.

So there was a guy i met on a *dating app*.  We had a great connection it was fun, so we moved to texting.  Found out a little more about him and vetted him.  Found out he was married.  Asked him about it.  Got the typical excuse...its a loveless marriage...blah blah blah.

I told him I cant continue.  He started to try to gaslight me about his wife etc.  I was upset.  I really liked him.  So this morning I sent this and blocked him.

So for all the women out there who think that its ok to entertain a married man?  Its not.  Never will be.

Its NEVER ok! 

Nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday

Reactive abuse, Reactive response, its all about how they manipulate you into something they can use against you.  

I was so ashamed. I was SO convinced I was the problem...and he let me believe it. He'd won. He caused me to hit the lowest low in my life. One where I really thought there was only 1 way out.  

But thankfully, there were people who pulled me from that point of no return. And a therapist who worked tirelessly to get me to understand what happened. 

But deep down. There will always be a part of me that is disappointed in myself and terribly ashamed.

R E S P E C T...Find out what it means to me!

Today, I realized just how controlled and manipulated I was in my marriage with the Narc. Today, I was left in tears by my friend, a man who has been ever so patient with me and kind and encouraging.  Today, I realized through the smallest of gestures, just how cleverly I had been groomed to accept, less than.  

Less than the basic human needs.

Less than common courtesy.

Less than general decency.

Less than...

One of the biggest frustrations I had with the Nex was that I would text him and he would not respond.  Sometimes, days would go by before I would hear from him.  I would ask him something in the morning, and by the time I went to bed, MAYBE he would respond, and usually only after I bagered him.  I literally had to beg and plead to get him to just help me out. 

I was usually get an "I'm BUSY!" reply after I called him to follow up and see if he even GOT the text, and usually it was hours after.  He didn't go to the bathroom?  No lunch?  Didn't walk over to the other building that would afford him a second or two to respond?  No.  He didn't have time for me and when I mentioned that this was rude, I was made to feel small and unworthy for asking.  Afterall, he was providing for us...right?

But today, I texted my friend.  Asked him if he would be available to come over sometime next Saturday to let my dog out and feed her as I will be downstate at Parents weekend with my daughter from 8am until near midnight.  I didn't know it, but i had messaged him while he was at a game with his grandson.  But he found a few seconds to send me this...

 

He has absolutely no idea that his quick message to me left me in tears. Unsolicited human decency.  Proof that I wasn't out of line, controlling, demanding or too much.  This is what NORMAL people do for those they care about.  They communicate, they respect and they give kindness through courtesy.

I sobbed as I drove home, completely confused as to why, but it finally dawned on me...   This....this is what it is SUPPOSED to be like.  This was I was asking for.  This is what I was craving. 

Human decency to a Narcissist is poison.  Anything that requires that they follow rules or give of themselves without a note of adoration or commendation is dismissed, just as he dismissed me. 

Today, I was seen.  I was acknowledged  as valuable. I was treated with respect and my inquiry deserved to be answered by someone who didn't have to.

'Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you

After I had hard evidence about the affair and confronted him, he admitted it.  He laid everything on my shoulders.  Things he NEVER talked to me about but shared with her, though. He told me how wonderful she was and how horrible I was.  He was cruel.  He was heartless.  Yet he stayed. 

But there were times I wanted to touch him, hug him, curl up in his arms and beg him to love me.  But I couldn't.  He was a stranger to me now. He belonged to someone else.  Someone who's touch he welcomed, whose kisses he longed for. I was no longer that person because he convinced himself I was so unworthy of his love or time.  That feeling of him being a stranger hurt worse than the words he screamed at me.  This man,  who was my everything since I was 16.  The one who's shoulder I used to lay my head on during lunch, or walk with, or laugh until I snorted with.  This person whom I have known my entire adult life was suddenly someone I no longer knew,  or had the right to give small gestures of affection.  

It was so surreal.  Having him here...but feeling that strange coldness between us.  It drove me absolutely crazy!

For 4 years, I fought for my marriage. Four years, I tried everything I knew how to do, but nothing worked. Nothing made it better and by the end I WAS crazy. I WAS angry to the point of throwing things and pushing and hitting him when he would corner me, or push buttons, or spitting in my face when he had covid. I became everything he said I was.   And then he left.  He never looked back.  He's abandoned everything he had with me, including our daughter for his new life. The one where she gets him, understands him, makes him feel... alive. 

Living with me.  Being married to me. The one thing he said at the beginning was that he never realized how much he loved me until he kissed me.   That he "Knew the Difference" between love and true love. He would  quote that line from WHEN HARRY MET SALLY...used it when he proposed to me...

Said that I was always there, right in front of him... and he didn't realize I was everything he wanted...

.... until i wasn't. 

She's just a friend...

Have you heard the latest attempt to cover up the truth?  People magazine and other reputable sources (all are questionable)  are reporting a "Source" has come forward saying they were NOT having an affair.

*blinks*

Gaslighting and unfortunately they are hiding behind the excuse the ex I was married to used ad nauseum... they didn't sleep together *wink wink* so it wasnt cheating and isn't an affair.

At the VERY least...bottom line there was an emotional affair.  NO husband should be "cuddling" with anyone other than his wife. 

I am so very tired of the rationale behind these actions as not betrayal!  

It is ABSOLUTELY betrayal!  Their actions alone oozed guilt and deception.  There was absolutely...at bare minimum...a betrayal of emotions!

BE....TRAY...AL!

What a Man, What a Mighty Good Man

So last night, I fixed my toilet which all of a sudden started running like Niagara Falls. It was so bad that I had to turn off the water when not in use so it wouldn't run all day. I originally thought it was the flappy thingy that blocks the hole at the bottom of the tank and was prepared to purchase a new assembly. However, last night, I phoned a friend who came to help me assess the situation.  

As we both stood there in my teeny tiny alcove staring into the guts of my toilet tank (Thank GOD it was clean) and me, determined to do this by myself was pulling on the chain for the flapper to watch it reset after letting the water out. Aside from slamming down rather quickly, it seemed to set just right. That's when we noticed, that the tank was filling....and filling...and filling and suddenly it overflowed down the tube and into the bowl at the speed of a waterslide. My friend put his hands on his hips and announced. "It's not your flapper, it's your ballcock."

I stood up and looked at him..."Excuse me?"

He nodded in that way that men do when they know things. "Yup, you gotta screw that thing down tight." He said as he pointed to where the balloon-like thing on a metal rod attached to a structure that looked like something out of the 1965 New York State Fair.

Looking at the assembly, I noticed the screw had worked it's way out. With my slotted screwdriver in hand, I said, "So I need to screw down the ballcock?"

He nodded, lips pursed, hands on hip. The joke, completely over his head. 

I screwed that puppy so hard, it shut off the water. "Too hard, you're going to have to back that out a bit so the ballcock can float."

"Kinda figured that one out, thanks." I said, tears streaming down my face as I Lefty-Loosied that screw. 

Suddenly, the water started running again and the tank filled...and filled...and stopped, just about an inch or so below the top of the overflow. I jumped for joy and did a little dance. That's when he said. "Your rod is rusty."

I lost it. I just couldn't hold back anymore. He looked at me with a mild smirk, that soon busted into a laugh and the two of us giggled and laughed as I put the tank lid back on and gave it another flush for good measure. I couldn't stop giggling. Beavis and Butthead ran rampant through my brain over this.  

So if you're wondering, the engineer or contractor who specialized in toilets had a great sense of humor when naming the parts. 

Ballcock.  Heheheh

Father of mine Tell me, how do you sleep? With the children you abandoned

The one thing I cannot let go of is my anger toward the Nex for abandoning his daughter.  He didn't try to fight for her, he tried to manipulate her.  He wanted her to take his side and when she didn't, he just walked away.

Days like today hit hard.  The last time I helped her on move in day was right after we found out about his secret filing for divorce.  When he called the police on our daughter for protecting me, and lying to her about the reason he filed, she was done.  

She banned him from going with us on move in day.  When I got back home,  he yelled at me for not sharing pictures or for keeping him informed.  He was pissed because we had friends help us instead of him.  

As the divorce proceeded, I asked him if he would have a place for our daughter in his new home.   He said no.  I asked if he would make room in his new life for her and again, he said no.  Why should he?  She's not even talking to him.  I stared at him...so angry.  Um, because she is your daughter?    

So he had it written into the MSA that I was completely financially responsible for her for as long as she lived with me.  

So today...because last school year she was at Oxford in the UK, we went back to her school and did the move in together...just us two.  And it triggered me a bit and stirred up that anger again.  How he has walked away Scot free and with ZERO responsibility,  either financial or emotional.  He hasn't messaged her, tried to contact her, make sure she is all set, does she need anything? 

Yes...she needed a lot!  A new computer, repairs to her car (gear box, brakes, alternator, belt) so she has a safe vehicle to drive, shoes,  clothes, supplies for the school year.  But he hasn't contributed to anything since he left in November of 2023. He is off with his new supply with absolutely nothing to tie him down and putting all the responsibility on me.

But should this surprise me?  He did this with his son.   When she remarried, he left everything to her and her new husband.  Oddly enough his son has a closer relationship with his step dad than his bio dad.

So as I followed behind my daughter as we drove down the highway, I cried.  I cried because she shouldn't be feeling abandoned by her own father.  She shouldn't have to feel like she would rather he be dead than what he is....missing by choice.

To all my fellow moms who have to do this alone and are doing everything you can to keep your child from suffering because of an absent father, I see you.  I hear you.  I get you.  But we are keeping it together and we don't need them.  We can do this without them.  

They are missing out on so much...but they don't care.  It doesn't suit their narrative.

If you want forever...I bet you do!

Ah, Debra G.   The woman who told me how TIGHT she'd gotten with MY husband.  Informed me how MY marriage was over.  How SHE knew all about our problems and what a $h!t wife and mother I was.   She tried to befriend my daughter (who absolutely wanted NOTHING to do with her), showed up at one of her tournaments and proceeded to shut ME out of conversations with my husband, MIL, and BIL.  She told me how she has dinners with my MIL every Friday night and that she was VERY close with her.   She was stamped with the seal of approval from the ex's mother and encouraged to break up the marriage.  Calculated and devious, the Narcissistic Mother carried out her plan to complete her coven like the witch she is. 

But Debra is eligible to collect SSI and retire.  Why not latch on to a younger man who can continue to work while she lives a life of leisure without kids to drag them down?  Her new man has abandoned his daughter both emotionally and financially, pursuing his own neanderthal wants and needs.  He did his "duty" until she was 18...why should he continue?

Imagining her thinking she won the jackpot...and maybe she has.  Maybe she will attain her life of leisure that he will provide for her.  Maybe that's all she wants from him...but at what cost?  She selfishly latched onto him and created this "connection" and fed into his narc ego.  She made him believe she was everything I wasn't.  That SHE was his true soulmate and they finally found each other. 

But he was taken.  He was married....as was she!  They destroyed TWO families for their selfish wants and needs.  

Well, she can have him.  She can pick up his skid marked underwear, all his clothing that he leaves around, the gum he leaves on the counter, the crumbs from the toast he won't clean up.  She can deal with his pouty silence when she doesn't perform his porn dream in the bedroom.  She can do EVERYTHING to keep the relationship running once he finally gets her to himself and feels like he doesn't have to do anything anymore. She can deal with his secrets, his lies, his need for constant ego inflation. 

They deserve each other. 

Every brick every board every slamming door, blown away...

The Nex used to have such a great relationship with our daughter.  I used to be so happy that she had the relationship I always wanted with my father.  He was there for her.  He was present for her.  But then I started to notice things.  Things that began to concern me.  How he would latch onto something and it would become HIS thing to do with her, even tho maybe I started the tradition, like a Christmas outing to Marshall Fields or the Nutcracker.  Or her birthday off from school and we would go somewhere. 

He pushed her into comic books, Marvel, DC and would sometimes get her into characters with storylines that were too old for her.  She was only 4.  

When she started Archery, I was the one who took her to her lessons and paid for her rentals etc.  When it came time to get her her own equipment, he took that over and did it without me. It wasn't until she started winning tournaments that he became more involved in her day to day lessons.  Half the time, it was all on me.  I was the involved mom.  I was a Girl Scout Leader, I was the PTO VP, I was  the volunteer during my off months and I was the one who was at every single Parent/Teacher conference, school concert or field trip. He meanwhile started missing concerts, conferences and he never volunteered for a classroom or a field trip. 

When he started the affair with Debra, his family became low priority. All of his time, money and effort went into Debra.  Our daughter was lucky to see him for an hour or so on the weekend.  He stopped doing things with her. He missed things, unless it suited his hero dad complex.  He also tried to pit her against me, much like his mother did by telling her I was a liar. 

He tried to get our daughter to like and accept Debra, but that didn't happen.  So when the finality of the divorce came, it was of no surprise that he had no plans for his daughter in his future life.  When I asked if he would be someplace where she could come visit or stay with him, he said no.  I asked if he ever planned to hold space for her, and he said...NO!

So why was it such a surprise to him when after the finalization of the divorce that she came with me?  Maybe because I made space for her in my  life?  I continued to be her parent?  I made sure she had somewhere she could call home? Instead, he would go to her job and stand there and stare at her. Hoping she would say something.  It got to the point she had an action plan to avoid him.  Her boss had the pharmacy contact him to tell him he had to move his prescription to another location. 

Now he tells people that she isn't his biological child.  

Father of the year...

He wants me If he can keep me in line

One of the biggest common denominators among Narcissistic abuse survivors is the issue of manipulation and control.  EVERYTHING a narc does is related to controlling the narrative, painting the facade to reflect a perfectly charming and wonderful human and to keep their partner in line.  

When I discovered the exNarc's affair, I confronted him about it. The deflection and blame shifting and the lack of remorse or even concern about how he'd damaged our family and hurt me.  He didn't care. He actually felt justified in what he was doing.  I remember that day and how for over 5 hours he told me everything that was wrong with me, that I had done to MAKE him have this affair.  How WONDERFUL Debra was and how she got him, understood him and made him feel ALIVE.  A woman that his mother hand picked for him to move on with.  

However, because I had been in love with him since I was 16, and we were 15 years into a marriage and had a 15 year old in the house still, I tried to work on our marriage.  Correct myself and find ways to fix things.  Things I DID NOT BREAK!  He did nothing.  There was no effort from him, not even a genuine or heartfelt apology.  However, he gave me little pseudo apologies.  Apologies that seemed like they were genuine but were in fact an effort to shut me the hell up. 

When his arrogance got the better of him and a year and a half later my daughter discovered a secret phone and a card for Debra in his car, I felt duped, used and totally idiotic.  But by this time, I was now trauma bonded and he had me believing I would lose everything, including my daughter.  He would set me up for arguments and play the victim so well, I wondered how horrible of a human I must be.  He would corner me in the closet, the bathroom or the kitchen and get in my face in a means to intimidate me into submission.  

But as the years went on (all 5 of them) I would waffle between taking all the blame and trying to hold him accountable.  I actually felt that if I took the blame, he would apologize and do the work to get us back on track.  His family shut me and my daughter out with the silent treatment in an effort to slap me back in line.  The exMIL went behind my back to my daughter to tell her I was lying about her father.  Which backfired because she was there when her father admitted to everything (and then proceeded to blame me for it).  The narrative kept changing to suit their image. 

So when our daughter held them accountable (which was then twisted into her taking my side OR me poisoning her) they disowned her.  They no longer send her Christmas or Birthday gifts or even help her out with college (her dad has completely abandoned her in every way in favor of his new supply).  

Through the divorce process he attempted to control me through suddenly wanting to be friends, or be civil, all the while wanting me to be compliant to his every whim or accept his excuses or his rudeness.  He expected me to still prepare dinner for him or buy his groceries. He still expected me to say I LOVE YOU.  His methods of controlling me were over once I found out about the divorce filing.  I had no more reason to fight.  As it went on, I began to wonder if him filing for divorce was a means to control me again, expecting me to fall apart and beg him for another chance.  When it didn't happen.  When I went silent. When I no longer fought for us, he finally snapped and the mask came off. The cruel, angry part of him lashed out at me until the Police stayed with me for half an hour after he'd been asked to leave because he'd gotten aggressive with me and the dispatcher on the phone heard him threaten me. The police pleaded with me to get an order of protection.  When he was served with that, he finally took his ring off, then proceeded to blame me saying that I killed whatever love he had for me by doing that. 

It has taken almost 2 years post separation to finally see, it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve what he gave me.  He spews about the reactive abuse he endured after he would prod me into reacting, and I have come to terms with my loss of control and have learned skills to combat that, but a part of me believes I will never use them because that's not who I am.  

If he was ever right about one thing, it's this.   We were not good for each other....meaning HE was not good for ME. 

I'm walking on sunshine

The world becomes a place of beauty, happiness is found in the smallest of things. Laughter instead of anger when something goes wrong or stopping to watch a bee gather pollen. Life sparkles again.  

Never again will I allow someone to make me feel inferior, wrong or unworthy. I know my worth. I know who I am again and my past has made me who I am... strong, independent and sassy! 

Can't handle me? Move aside because...Im coming through anyway!

Do you really want to hurt me?

After I found out about his secret plan of filing for divorce and waiting until our daughter went back to school to have me served at work a month later, he suddenly wanted to be friends. He wanted to do dinner together, go see a movie, spend time together. No. I wanted no part of that. 

 For 3 days he tried to hoover me back in, but at this point I was so hurt by everything that I just wanted no part of him. It was a slap in the face after years of trying to get us back on track that he had this diabolical exit strategy planned now that he was no longer on the hook for child support.

When I refused his efforts and locked myself away from him, he switched to angry, cruel and hurtful. It was like watching someone being possessed. When he got aggressive with me, I filed an order of protection. But the judge ordered him to leave the house and then told me to change the locks. Which I did. I also had a half dozen friends which included a county correctional officer with me all day while he moved out. But at the end, he couldn't resist one more aggressive behavior. 

He found out really quick... my friends will protect me and that they weren't afraid to throw his a$$ in jail. Badge and gun were flashed along with a threat to arrest for assaulting an officer. I watched his fists clench as he left with his brother. 

I watched a stranger leave that day. And shuddered at the thought that I slept next to him nightly... someone who was capable of this tirade and threatened my safety so easily. 

I was devestated. 

The truth is all that I can hear Every time you lie

I didn't want this for my daughter. I didn't want her to ever feel about her father like I do mine. 

It started out so good. Seemed like she was going to have an amazing relationship with her dad! Then we found out how he'd betrayed us... yes us. Because his affairs weren't just betrayals of me. They betrayed her too. His porn, his lies, his behavior destroyed his relationship with both of us. But he will always blame me. Tell himself that I poisoned her against him. 

But he will never look at himself, his behavior. And now.... the final nail to sever any hope of reconciling with his daughter. To serve his narrative and to keep his facade, he has now claimed she isn't his. He has fabricated a fairytale that I got pregnant by someone else and told him it was his to trap him. I'm so angry that he would hurt her this way. He knows this isn't true. Just like when he tried to tell people she wasn't mine, that I was her stepmother. But this is how desperate this 59.5 year old narc is. It's the only way to clear the black mark from his portrait of perfection.  

But it's never his fault. 

If you open your heart, love opens your mind

I don't know why this is hitting so hard tonight. My neighbor is closing and leaving tomorrow.  He has already had the movers come and he is essentially gone.

I resisted letting him in.  But without my permisssion, I did anyway.  And now I am paying the price.  There is a part of me that believes once he is gone...that's it.  Because, whatever this is,  meant more to me than to him.  My dog had a better relationship than I did.

When your dog teaches you how to open up again and you're still too afraid to take that step because you still feel too broken, too hurt to allow anyone in, to trust anyone ever again, you wonder if you will ever heal enough to let love in.

But then you realize this person is the very first post narc friend you have allowed into your home and that you unwittingly trusted with a key so he can take care of your dog while you are away and you finally understand that you have already unlocked the door but have yet to step through it.

And now,  it's too late.   

It wasn't until now that I realized that he made living here bearable. That I looked forward to seeing his car parked next to mine.  That I would smile when I heard his patio door open, knowing he would talk to me. I'm going to miss those chats. 

I'm going to miss him. 

And yet another change in my life that leaves me alone because I'm too afraid to trust openly, or be more open, sooner.  

I miss the companionship.  The interaction. Being the reason someone smiles.   I miss being someone's person.  

And yet...I still can't open that door. 

To the men that love women after heartbreak And to the tears they catch but didn't make 'em fall

Trying to love, or even LIKE after narcissist abuse is challenging at best.  For me, keeping my past in the past is proving to be difficult with someone who only knows I was in a bad relationship before.  I don't like to talk about it with him because I don't want that to be my "excuse".  So I am learning to deal with triggers and emotions myself and trying to remember....He is not my ex.

My neighbor friend (yes, ok, its a crush) has been really good for me to dip my toe in the water.  He is just enough to play nice with, but not get too serious about.  We have a really fun relationship.  We like to joke and laugh.  My dog is absolutely gaga for him and he makes me aware of that each time we are together. 

However, yesterday, he triggered me - totally by accident - and I had to take a step back. I could feel myself getting defensive and had to quickly reel in the emotions or risk a bad reaction.  I came so very close.  TOO close. 

He truly was just playing with me, but this is exactly what my ex would do to keep me off kilter.  He would cover up his lies, pretend I "missed" something or didn't pay attention, when in reality, it never happened.  He would make it so I thought I was losing my ever loving mind. So when my neighbor did this, my reaction was instinctual and I immediately went into defensive mode.  It took everything I had to try to pull out of it and joke back, but I don't think it came off that way and I feel horrible that this scar that my ex left me with, caused this reaction.  I don't think my neighbor noticed, and if he did, he didn't let on, but I noticed and I am SO glad it wasn't in person...because he would have seen the tears, the red face and the set jaw.  He would have seen me pacing and racking my brain...Was it there before?  Did I really NOT notice it?  No!  It wasn't there the other night when I watered...he is WRONG!  And (deep breath) Girl, calm the F down.  He's playing with you. He's NOT your ex.  

Just another example of just how far I thought I had come, and how I really haven't.  You can think you have moved passed something like this only to have it smack you right between the eyes. Thankfully, this was all through text and I was able to deal with it without him being right there.  It could have been much different depending on how he was acting but it also could have been worse.   I would have been forced to admit the trauma from my past and I don't know that I want to do that yet...not with him. I am sure he would be amazingly understanding, but I don't want that black cloud over this amazing friendship we have. And maybe that's all a part of the trust issue I have right now.  Afraid it will be used against me later, so I keep it close. 

Why?

Because this is what I learned that someone who supposedly loves you will do to you.

And that makes me sad.

And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me You couldn't stand to be near me

One of the most frustrating things about trying to have heavy conversations with my Nex is that they never happened.  He would clam up, deflect, turn things around on me and create chaos until I backed down.  I would be hurting and wanting to try to resolve the issue, but he would act like nothing was wrong, nothing happened and then tell me I was wrong for carrying this on. So things never got resolved. No change was ever made (unless it was me changing) and if he had to do something he would placate me for a day or two then go right back to the hurtful behavior, starting the cycle over again.

Living in this constant loop of lather, rinse, repeat wears on a person. Causes cognitive dissonance and puts a wedge between partners. Issues never get resolved, they just get swept under the rug until a mountain has grown and the rug cannot hide anything more. 

I just remember the constant feelings of frustration and dismissal and feeling like I was always the one over-reacting. I wanted to deal with things, fix them, but he didn't. He just wanted to pretend it didn't exist and maybe it would just go away. Pretend normal. 

This wore on me to the point that it got so bad that the only way I could get his attention to deal with SERIOUS problems, was to literally jump up and down and scream.  If I tried to talk calmly or rationally, I was ignored. This, of course, escalated until I gave him what he wanted...a crazy MF'er of a wife. Played right into his victimhood of abused husband. And after one of these fights - which were always one sided - he would resume his life as if nothing ever happened.  He'd never acknowledge the issue, ask how I was feeling about it, was it resolved...nothing.  Just make himself breakfast and go about his day like any other day.  Meanwhile, I'm still reeling from the fact that I was totally dismissed, blamed or gaslit.  I could barely look at him, let alone get warm fuzzies. But he was ok with it. He was totally ok with the turmoil and dissonance he caused. 

I have spent the better part of 18 months learning how to constructively deal with situations. How to handle my emotions again and to rejoin sanity.  I should have walked away. I should have realized that this was a no win situation.  That no matter what I did, it wasn't going to be the "correct" way to handle things because what I was doing was pointing out hurtful behavior that he caused and of course, it was never his fault. It would never resolve because Narcissists never practice introspection.  They have a perfect image of themselves and reject any different view. There will never be a true apology or constructive change in them. They will always deflect.  For a sane person dealing with this, there will never be closure or logical explanation.  You will have to come to terms with just knowing, you did all you could do and nothing would ever change the outcome.  

The narc always gets their way.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Its been a year since we moved out of the townhouse and in a few weeks it will mark a full year in the condo.  I remember him in the hallway at the courthouse saying I would need him for help with Dana and how I was only ever after his money...which is funny because he didn't have any.

I have come so far and the past couple of weeks I have been fiercely independent and found solutions to our problems.  I re-titled Dana's car, got insurance, helped her get her license renewed,  worked out the issue with her laptop,  became the hort advisor for my HOA and colluded with Dana's boyfriend to  surprise her with the ring he bought her and...once again, secured her financing for school...without any help!  In the coming weeks I will help her get ready to return to school and we will do it together.

The other night Dana witnessed my new coping skills after a stressful day at work and said..."Look at you using healthy coping mechanisms!" (Because for so long she watched me break down so many times from the stress I was under and felt how I just couldn't handle any more mental stress).  Earlier tonight she opened up about how I couldn't handle the smallest of things and would shut down or fly off the handle because I was so overloaded. How she felt my reactions didn't fit her crime. She has a better, healthier version of her mom back and I am glad she sees the work is paying off.

A year ago I was scared out of my mind.  Now?  Im just mindful of my actions and reactions so that i am the best version of myself I can be.  

There's no kindness in your eyes

I remember the day the mask came off and I saw what was beneath.  I was scared, hurt and angry.  And he was (at first) the victim but when I didn't forgive and move on, he quickly changed to arrogant, manipulative and mean.

He had gone to a Kohls Cares event.  Climbing stairs for charity.  He said he was going with a group of people from work.  Turns out, the "group" was just him and Debra.  She rode with him in his car, sitting in my seat, holding his hand and taking pictures to memorialize it. He ran the stairs and took pictures and sent them to Debra.  Not me, his wife, but the married mistress he called "beautiful" and stayed for hours after shift to be with her.  He was supposed to be home by 1pm, but he wasn't.  Dinnertime he finally strolled in, puffed up and full of himself. He offered excuses as to why he was late (all lies) and when I asked how come he didn't send updates, was told he was too busy! 

After his shower,  I confronted him.  I grilled him to catch him in lies.  I presented the phone records, including activity from that day showing texts all day long with Debra.

At first he played innocent.  That they were *just friends*.  That I was being too emotional and looking for issues.  When I pulled out Christmas day's texts, and the entire month of December (all 3000+) he said he was "confused".  He had feelings for her.  But he loved me.  When I didn't back down and cited all his lies he went from poor misunderstood husband to a monster.  He took off that mask and hit me with every mean thing he could think of...for HOURS!   When I snatched his phone away, he grabbed me, threw me to the floor, put his knee in my back as he twisted my arm until I let go or have my arm broken.  He grabbed my arm so tightly and dug his fingers into me that each finger left a bruise.

When I demanded he pack up his stuff and leave, his arrogance soared and he spat at me, his face inches from mine, "Sorry Sister...you lose."  And other mean things.  

He refused to leave saying it was his house and I could gtfo, but our daughter stayed.  I reminded him the house was mine too, I was on the mortgage,  he threatened me by saying because he made the payments,  it was just his.  

That's not how this works.

I was scared.  I was alone.  I didn't know what to do and his threat to take our daughter from me, paralyzed me.

He called the police.  Said I was violent.  By this time, bruises were forming on my body. He didn't hit me, but he pinned me to the floor until I conceded.

Police asked him to leave.   Said they would stay until he did.  Told me to get a lawyer. They put in the report that he'd manhandled me. They patrolled after he left.

But that day in late January of 2019 will be forever etched into my memory.

The day the mask came off.

All I can say is, it was enchanting to meet you.

 

Dating sucks.  Just going to put that out there. 

Trying to navigate this dating thing at the age of 60 after being off market since before the age of texting, I am so out of my element, I don't know what to do anymore.

So...Some things have happened...

I was basically stalked by our phone provider sales guy last week.  My daughter's phone was not holding a charge very well and she had to charge it several times a day.  She just arrived home from the UK a week ago and so one of the first things we did was go get her a new phone. The sales guy was very nice, during data transfer, we joked and laughed and then I decided to get a new phone too, because the screen was cracking on my flip (Don't believe what they say about new technology and it won't crack...it will)  so we bundled it all together.  When the sales guy handed me my new phone, he'd put his personal number in my phone and claimed - if I should have any questions.....

I was surprised, taken aback a little, but ok. I had no intentions of ever messaging him and we left the store to go about our day.

A couple of days pass and I get a text message...from sales guy (heretofore known as SG).  SG is asking how I like my new phone?  Is everything ok?  Not even thinking, I respond, yes, everything is fine.

The next day, another text, but this time more personal, how am I doing?  Do I have plans?  Then, do I have questions about the return of my old phone, how to factory reset, etc.  I advise, I am fine and will return the phone the next day.  I tell him to have a great day, thanks for checking in.

We go in the following day and SG is all smiles and calls me out for "dismissing" him in text the day before, and said "And I was going to ask you to lunch!"  That made me pause and made me uneasy.  SG is young enough to be my son.  I have gray hair.  I am NOT close to his age....at all.

Later, I realized...I had NEVER given him my phone number to use personally.  Which means he would have taken it from my account or from paperwork when I purchased the phones.  I never texted him through the number he gave me until he texted me first.  As I was freaking out over this, ANOTHER text came through stating how good it was to see me and would I be up for lunch?  In hindsight, I should have just blocked him, but I was trying to be nice and dissuade him.  Told him my vacation was ending and I didn't see how it would work out. He asked about dinner?  So I just said I would have to see. He wasn't taking the hint, came back with options.  I ignored them. Two more days of texts asking how my day was.  I finally sent him a text asking him to please remove my number from his phone and to not text me anymore. THEN I blocked him. 

The next day, speaking with my former SIL who works for the same provider, I mentioned what happened and asked what he would have access to in my account?  She was very disturbed by the whole thing and said how it went against their ethics and privacy pledge.  She reported him.  Jeez. I didn't want him fired, but I just wanted him to not continue this pursuit.  

Meanwhile, my neighbor, the one I massively crush on, appears in my texts out of the blue, sending me a picture of his grandson...and then he offers to help with my daughter's laptop when I mentioned that it was acting up since her stay in the UK and invites us up to his place to look it over. But...OMG...this man...he gets me silly stupid and even with my daughter in tow, I was like a silly little school girl.  But afterwards, as we rode down the elevator, my daughter says, "Mom, he was talking to me, but only looking at you...."  ugh. 

Why can't I open up to him?  I REALLY like this guy but just thinking about anything more than just neighborly friends and I get anxiety and can't breathe. My therapist says I am still not ready. The PTSD from the betrayal, gaslighting and overall horrible narcissistic behavior for 20+ years still has me anxious and terrified. And it's not even conscious awareness, it's deep seated in me.  It's going to take time to deprogram that and I don't know if he's that patient.  Meanwhile, I am giving off the HEY vibes toward him but when it comes down to it, I freak the F out. And that just leaves him in limbo.  Not cool. 

So I just keep asking myself....WHY HIM?

Why him?  He's nice, like, really nice. He's considerate and caring. He is helpful and has a great sense of humor.  He likes plants and he is creative. He could also be gay, but we won't focus on that. (Let me have my little fantasy.)   But he is REALLY easy to talk to.  His gray blue eyes sparkle when he laughs and he has a knowledge and confidence about him that really is attractive. 

And yet, I am scared...   No, not scared, terrified.  And I just don't know what to do, so I do nothing.

Someone please shoot me.